Beyond Resentment?

In the past few years I have been feeling resentful about a lot of things. In the past couple weeks though, mostly since my talk with David Caruso I have started having a change of attitude. I will define attitude as a combination of thoughts and feelings. Then today I read that someone wrote that I have become more "psychotic" (this was on the EQ directory site). They said my site was "nothing but a lot of pot-shots, personal attacks, and plagiarism of other people's work." Obviously, this person was also feeling resentful. And I think it's pretty obvious too that my site is a lot more than the way he described it. But if people are starting to think (or have been thinking for a while) that I have gone crazy, they won't take anything I say seriously, as this guy has evidently done.

I've been in a lot of emotional pain. Someone else, Heather Drummond, evidently a licensed psychologist in Ontario, criticized me for writing from a "wounded" perspective. But I am not sure how one can write from a feeling good perspective when they are in a lot of pain. I feel a little vengeful towards the person who wrote this. I will feel better if I write about this... so here is what I put together.

Okay, so I was going to write that I am trying to move beyond resentment. To stop swearing so much, to stop judging others so much. To stop criticizing in a destructive way so much. I want to do more to help the people of the USA. I feel bad about what is happening there. I want them to read what I have to say and not feel so attacked and judged and labeled and defensive that they completely shut down to what I have to say. I know I have important things to say. I really struggle with how to say them, how to handle my frustration. I feel a little more confident, without feeling arrogant, let's say. I feel more serious, less sarcastic and cynical. This is very serious stuff. We are really, truly talking about life and death. Teen suicide. Milling in Iraq. And probably more killing in the USA one day.

The USA seems to sorely lack real leaders. I don't know what effect I could have over the next few years, over the rest of my life, but I feel compelled to do what I can to influence a few people at least. And maybe put a book together with my ideas so people can read them after I am gone and my site has disappeared.

That's pretty much all I wanted to say. I feel bad about attacking Heather Drummond, and I feel a little hypocritical, and afraid I will be judged for more personal attacks, but if anyone has any better ideas than how I wrote about it, please let me know. I've wanted people's understanding for a long time. I feel resentful I haven't gotten much understanding, but I also feel a little more accepting that a) I am partly responsible for turning people off and b) it is not necessary for me to have people's understanding on a personal level.. I don't really need their sympathy. Though I remember how a friend of mine wrote "poor stebie" once a few years ago when I was feeling depressed and it helped. Is it sympathy or empathy I want? Right now either one would be helpful. Sometimes we all need a shoulder to cry on, but I am not being dramatic when I say that is not something I have had for a very long time. I could go home, back to Indiana, where I am sure my mother would let me cry on her shoulder, and that would help fill her mothering needs too, but it isn't worth the cost of seeing the rest of the family, listening to her lectures, watching her worry about things that are not important in the least to me. There isn't much to say anymore between us. It's a very sad situation.

Well, thanks for listening.

Steve
Lima, Peru
Feb 26, 2005

March 1, 2005

Just wrote my credentials page and realized I am still feeling resentful. Robbed, judged, undervalued, misunderstood. In some ways I wish I could wipe away the resentment with a spray and a cloth, like wiping a dirty kitchen counter. But then I think, no, these feelings drive me to change what I see as wrong in the world, the things that have hurt me. And hurt my friends. Especially my young friends who have almost no voice in this world. And I am sure once I have expressed myself I will feel better. And when I eventually get some help, hugs and companionship I will be much more productive and constructive. So I will try to accept that this is where I am right now in little personal growth path and save the world mission. Which reminds me.... Pamela Sacket...I want to write to her.