How do you help someone who has been abused?
I have thought of starting with asking this question: How would you feel if I said you are being abused?
To me, this is a very interesting and imporant question. We all know people who are clearly being abused, yet they stay in the relationship.
Remember the person I wrote about two weeks ago? The one whose boyfriend gave her a black eye and nearly choked her her death? Well, she is back together with him. And at least two of teenage friends here are both being abused, as I define abuse, but they probably don't see it that way. (see http://eqi.org/ei_ed30.htm and http://eqi.org/ei_ed34.htm)
So how do you talk to someone about abuse? How will they feel if you even use the word?
I am guessing that they will quickly feel defensive. Maybe they will feel criticized or judged. Maybe this is because they think you are basically saying "How can you be so stupid as to let someone abuse you and not leave?" So maybe they interpret this as you attacking their character, finding fault with them, calling them stupid.
This is a very tricky thing. I am not sure how you approach it. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Maybe you start by asking them how they would feel if you said you thought they were being abused. Maybe then they could explain how they would feel and you could get some insight into how to approach the topic with them.
It is important for people to feel understood and accepted when trying to help them. And not judged. And not criticized. It is hard, though, to see someone who had a black eye the week before, back in the arms of the person who gave it to her. It is hard, for me at least, to watch someone go back to a house where they have been hit when there have not been many, if any, real changes in the balance of power or level of respect.
So I am not sure how you handle this...how you help someone. Maybe there are some suggestions on the Internet somewhere. Maybe I could do a search on "helping someone who is being abused" or "Helping a victim of abuse."
But these people probably don't even want to be called "victims." I am pretty sure that no one I am talking about here in Quito would like to be thought of as a victim. One highschool student got defensive just when I said I felt sorry for one of her friends who had no freedom to do what she wanted to do. This person wasn't even being hit at home.
Some people want you to feel sorry for them and they want to feel victimized. Some don't. I guess you need to know what kind of a person you are talking to in order to tailor your help for them.
How do you even help someone see that they were abused when they were younger? For example, by their parents?
If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.
Quito, Ecuador
March 21, 2004