What I want

I want David to sell his house. I want him to stop doing business consulting. I want him to stop wearing suits and ties. I want him to get out of the United States. I want him to go traveling. To sleep in cheap hotels and backpacker hostels. I want him to listen to young people without trying to give them any advice. I want him to learn to chat with suicidal teenagers. I want him to learn from them. I want him to discourage teenagers from going to colleges and universities. I want him to be an advocate for changing the content of psychology programs around the world. I want him to write about his own personal life. I want him to write about his family. To write about the conflicts and the problems and the times when his family doesn't look good. I want him to write about his parents. I want him to say things publically that is afraid to say right now. I want to talk to him about the system of laws that adults have created. I want to talk to him about the voting age and basing laws on age. Laws like who can drive, who can vote, who can drink, who is free to live where they want, who is free to learn what they want, where they want and when they want, and who can make love to the people they want to make love to.

I want to learn from him. I want to know what he has to offer the world. What he thinks he can teach young people. How he thinks we can prevent violence in homes and between countries. I want to hear how he thinks we can stop the religious wars and why he thinks we need religions and why he converted to Judaism and why he makes his kids go to Jewish activies like weddings and funerals and bar mitzvahs or whatever you call them and I want to know what he thinks about making the boys wear those little hats. And what he thinks about the Muslims making the women dress the way they do and what he thinks about the other things that they make their followers do, and what he thinks about the Buddhists and the Hindus and what he thinks about them putting out food for "god" on the sidewalks and burning incense everyday. And what he thinks about the Catholics burning all those candles. And what he thinks about the story of the virgen mary and what he thinks about the other stories in the bible, like how the snake talked to eve and how god was angry that his children were building the tower of babel so he punished them by giving them all different languages, and what he thinks about the story about lot's daughters getting him drunk and having sex with him without him supposedly knowing it.

I want him to tell me if he would rather be helped to meet his needs or punished by someone who is less intelligent than he is, but who happens to have guns. I want him to tell me why he is so patriotic and why he is so proud of the USA. I want him to tell me if he ever feels ashamed of what the US government does or has done in the past. I want him to tell me what he thinks about the prisoners being held in Cuba by the USA without access to lawyers. I want him to tell me if he has ever thought of having a maximum voting age. I want him to tell me what his unmet emotional needs are. I want him to tell me why he thinks Peru is so poor and there are so many people stealing and getting drunk and in fights. And what he thinks about school uniforms.

And I want to write all of this on my website and analyze it and take it all apart, like I used to do with the locks on the front door of my house.

I want David to come down to Peru and spend a week or so with me. I want him to travel alone when he travels. Or with people who he wouldn't have as friends right now, like the people who go to the Rainbow festivals. I want him to spend a few days in the Tent Embassy in Canberra, which the some of the aboriginals have set up to protest how they have been treated by the British who went to Australia and killed something like 90% of the people who were living there. And then took over the entire continent of Australia and imposed their system of education and their religions. And took children from their mothers and moved them far away so they could teach them about Jesus. I want him to go into a school room with me in Peru or pretty much anywhere in South Amercica, one of the USA's closest neighbors, and ask the students how many of them have been hit by their parents. I want him to ask the females how many of them would rather wear blue jeans to school than the forced skirts that are part of the uniforms. I want him to ask them if adult has ever asked them how they felt about anything.

Is that too much to ask?

ha ha

I know I will never get what I want - from David or from life or the world. So do I change what I want? Or do I keep trying to get as much of it as I can?

Oh and I want David to tell me what he wants.

And I want to see what we have in common and how we can support each other.

I just got out of the shower. In the shower I was thinking of more things I want. For example, I want to know how much money David spent on alcohol in the past 12 months. And if he ever used drugs. I spent about 5 dollars on alcohol in the past 12 months. Not 5 per month, but 5 total. And I have never used any drugs - just in case any one is curious or thinks it is fair that I answer the same kinds of questions. And I would like to ask David how many shirts he has that go with his suits and ties. I used to have about 20 and they cost about 20 dollars each. That was about 20 years ago. And I used to have suits that cost 300 or 500 dollars each. I had about 6 or 7 of them. So right there I had about 3,000 dollars in clothes. I feel a little ashamed about that now. Now I have two shirts. I might take a picture of them. I just washed them both in the sink by hand. That is how I pretty much always wash them. A lot of people in Peru still wash their clothes in the river. What would 3,000 dollars do for a family like this? How many books could it buy for a small community?

The people here don't read much. But they watch a lot of tv. Last night on the bus here they put on a video from the USA. It had Steve Martin and some blonde whose name I can't remember. It was a comedy. I started swearing when they turned on the volume. I was saying "Jesus Fucking Christ! These stupid fucking people." Ok so I was feeling judgmental again. I'll admit it. lol. But it hurts me so much how they are so uneducated here, then they watch comedies instead of educational programs, and how they have such little respect for anyone else or for something as basic as sleep. This kind of stuff has happened in other poor countries. They put on a video and turn up the volume so the whole bus is distracted by it. But last night luckily the video had subtitles in Spanish and a smart guy next to me who I later found out has travelled to Europe and Japan told the guy "we can read it, turn down the volume." So I was saved from about an hour and half of pain. The loudspeaker was just above my head and I have gotten where I hate to hear the sound of those fake actors and actresses from the USA and I hate to be reminded of life in the USA. But I would look up from time to time and sometimes actually found myself laughing, then felt guilty and determined not to watch it and to use my time to think instead. To think about my plans and about David Caruso, for example. But when I did look up I saw lots of people in suits and ties, and saw lots of needlessly expensive hotel rooms and cars and homes. And I saw females wearing totally unnecessary make up. And now I think of how much the world spends on cosmetics. I read something once how much the USA spends on cosmetics. It is sickening to think about it when I have seen South Africa, Thailand, Indonesia and South America. I haven't even been to India yet.

So I want David to use some of his money to get out of the USA or at least send his kids out. And have them do volunteer work somewhere. But not with some American program. They will be surrounded by Americans and controlled by Americans. Instead I would have them go out and do volunteer work on their own, or with some French organization. It is so easy to help kids learn English in places like Indonesia. I almost cry now when I think of how badly people wanted me to stay and teach them English and how excited the kids were when I would visit their classes. And when I think of how few Americans have ever done what I have done. For most students and many English teachers I was the first English speaking person they had ever met. It is the same way in in some parts of South America. It doesn't take long to get out in the countryside and meet people who have never talked to a foreigner. Maybe someday I will have my own volunteer program. What I can't figure out is with all the people who read my site, why hasn't anyone ever come to help me or learn from me? Maybe because I am so judgmental. lol.

But whatever. I have my own plans now. I like my plans. I am gong to start a house for students who want to practice English. It will be only for highschool students or older students with special exceptions. I want to have a place where they can live and learn. There was a place called the living learning center at Indiana U. That was a nice idea. I never lived there but it seemed like a cool place at the time. The hippie, freaky type people lived there. I was attracted to it even though I was studying boring things like accounting. lol. Yes, I was a business major. Sad, but true!

I have lots of other plans. I found one 17, almost 18, year old to help me. I only want to work with teenagers. They haven't been totally ruined yet. I feel encouraged about the future right now because I found something here that I never even dreamed existed in the world. The poor families from the countryside send their kids to highschool in the closest cities. And sometimes the closest cities are 5 hours away. So they rent rooms for their kids. The kids live alone in other words, as near as I can tell. So if I buy a house here and rent the rooms out to the highschool students it means I can have the chance to influence them without their parents causing problems. I can teach them everything I want to teach people in the world. And I can pay them to work for me and help me translate my ideas to Spanish. And when I have more of my site in Spanish it will be read by even more people and it will be more likely it will stay number one for a few more years at least. But when I die my site will die too. Then Goleman and his friends will have the number one site on EI. They have established an organization which will live on beyond the founding members. I envy that I guess. So I might try to do the same thing, though probably the people after me won't get things right. Like the followers of Jesus have pretty much totally fucked up his main ideas. As for Moses, I don't think his ideas were all that good in the first place. He never should have called them commandments. He should have thought more about educating people than just making rules. Which reminds me, I realized today when I was thinking about all the laws that are based on someone's age, that rules are for stupid people. People who are either a) incapable of thinking much or b) haven't been educated well.

Getting back to what I want... I want to change this little city. And change some communities around here a little. I want to clean up part of the river bank and put in tables and serve some different kinds of foods. I want to create a youth hostel which attracts foreign backpackers and I want to have my teenagers work in it and learning other languages. I want to teach young people a little about geology. I found out they don't teach this in the highschools - in a country which is rich with geological examples. Like how the moutains were formed. You can see the layers at angles where they cut away the rocks to make the roads. But Isabel didn't know anything about this.

I want to teach these people the difference between fear and respect and obedience and respect. I want to write books for them which will open their eyes, their minds and help them be more free and better parents. Better future parents, fp's as I used to talk about 4 years ago on Opendiary.

I miss Nicole. I wonder if she will ever write me again. I've thought about writing her, but I have written like five times and she hasn't written back. She was once one of my closest friends from OD. I went to visit her one day when she was 18 and she skipped school to spend the day with me. She really enjoyed it, but now she has slipped back into the US system. She is going to college in New York now. And smoking pot. To try to numb her pain.

I want people to see what is happening. So I will probably keep writing. And trying to put my ideas in practice. And trying to prove to everyone who has tried to control me that they can't. lol.

Which leads me back to David. I don't like people trying to tell me what to do or judging me. So I reckon he doesn't either. So I apologize, David. I'm just in a lot of emotional pain and this is how I try to stop it. By writing about what I want. Asking the questions I want to ask, even knowing I won't get the answers. I know I have judged you and I apologize. How much do you feel forgiving? 0-10 of course. I forive myself though, and that is more important. This is one of those small things they never taught me in school.

Nor did they teach me to be forgiving. Sarah, at 12 years old, taught me that. She is the same girl I cried about at the EI workshop that day. The one who used to be so rebellious. She's been pretty much destroyed now. She has just turned 16. She smokes pot, too, to try to stop her pain. And she criticizes people and feels superior to them and laughs at them and makes sarcastic remarks. And gets depressed. And still cuts herself, I am pretty sure. She is a product of the country you love David. The USA. The land of the free where Sarah is threatened with jail if she doesn't go to school and where she is forced to live till she is 18. By that time she will be nearly fucked for life David. That is what is happening in your country. How do you feel about that?

I want to show you the things that Sarah wrote when she was 12, 13, 14, and 15 years old. Then ask you again if all teenagers are alike and all the same rules should apply to all of them. I want to tell you about a six year old I met in Australia who was smarter than her mother. Her mother lectured her once and then later said, "Rianna, we talked about this, remember?" And the six year old said, "Yes, but it wasn't a proper conversation."

A six year old knew the difference between a real conversation and a lecture.

Yet this six year old will be forced legally to live under her mother's roof and rules for the next 12 years. How do you feel about that DC?

By the way, this mother was so screwed up psychologically that one of her boyfriends left her apartment one day, and jumped off the third floor hallway onto the parking lot below, trying to kill himself. This is the kind of home that Rianna will have to live in. I would really like to know how you feel about that. And how you feel when I tell you that Rianna would probably rather live with me because I always treated her with more respect than her own mother, but that I could go to jail if I tried to help Rianna escape. These are the kinds of laws that the people you associate with have adopted and support. So maybe, just maybe, you understand now a little more why I feel so much resentment and why the things you say to me trigger such firey responses. And why I thought it was better not to write anything at all last week.

I'd also like to know, DC, if anyone has ever robbed you of someone you loved and told you it is because you are too old, without giving you any other explanation. Or maybe "she is too young." This reminds me of how you said, "It's just not right." I don't accept these kinds of answers, DC. I resent them. I feel insulted, offended. I have a brain for more than accepting things as "right" or "wrong" and for better answers than "because she is a minor."

Do we ask these "minors" how they feel? No, we don't. Because their feelings don't matter. That is the system the adults have created. The feelings of children and teenagers do not matter. That's the bottom line and why I think this world is so fucked up.

I can't really respect or take much of anything you say seriously until I know how you feel and what you think about these things that are most important to me. Your world is one of tests and family and religious activities and baseball games and business consulting and suits and ties. And obeying all the laws. Have you broken any laws recently? Are you opposed to any of them? So we live in different worlds. We connect on some level, but in many ways we are very, very different. More now than when I visited your house and we had pizza and beer together. I've travelled much more since then. Talked to many more teenagers in many more countries.

Teenagers are pretty much the same in every country I've visited. And children are pretty much the same. But the adults who control them basically brainwash them for 18 years until very few can think for themselves and millions of them are prepared to punish other people and kill other people for their country, their religion, their gods, their political beliefs, whatever.

I really want to know if you agree with the law in Sarah's school district in West Bend, Wisconsin that says she can be sent to jail for missing more than five days of school without a "valid" excuse. This is the law DC. In the land of the free.

Teenagers are killing themselves in the land of the free because they are not free to leave. They are not free to choose what they learn, where they learn it and when they learn it. They are not free to live where they want. To have the friends they want. They are killing themselves because they feel alone, trapped, not understood, not supported. Intelligent, sensitive teenagers are killing themselves. And you are writing books about effective business management. I don't really think we need more books on management. I really don't. I suspect Chuck had a lot to do with you writing that book. I saw him as a very needy person. I'd say he has been using you, to be really honest. Remember how he was so proud of himself for milking more consulting work out of a client? And how he talked way past the time we were supposed to leave? I remember these things. They bother me. So I'm writing about them now. It's in my own health interest. I feel more free after I have said what I need to say. I want people to know what I know. I know too much and it hurts my brain to keep it all inside. lol That's the best way I can express it right now!

Totally by chance I found this other page I wrote back in 2001. I was looking for files starting with C. Then I saw one called Caruso. I am putting it up just as it was written in 2001. I know you don't want me to talk about your family, but I'm going to do it anyhow because a) you've never really told me exactly what you are afraid of and b) I want to prove to you that you can't stop me from writing what I want to write - filling my need to feel free and defiant when someone tries to control me or my writing and c) because in my judgment nothing I have said will really cause you any serious harm. If I thought it would I wouldn't do it. And overall, the point I hope people will leave with is that I still like you as a person and I have taken all this time to write all of this because you are important to me and I believe in you and want to take our friendship to a deeper level. I am not writing this to discredit you as I write about Goleman. He has never shown me his human side. He is afraid of me, I'd say. So he wants to pretend I don't exist, which seems pretty stupid since my site is number one and my site on him was number three yesterday. lol. Duh, hello? Wake up Goleman. I do exist. So deal with it. lol.

It hurts me to see you trying to protect him and feeling happy that he sent you a "nice" not. He is a bullshitter as far as I am concerned. A fake. A fraud. He is trying to kiss up to you and it is working. And I resent it. I feel a bit betrayed by you, a bit abandonded, very much unsupported. But whatever, I am okay. I just needed to tell you what I thought and how I felt. lol. Sorry if it took a while! I've been keeping a lot inside!

Didn't I tell you once I love you DC? I think I did. Your so smart David. Such a good person. I want to see you do more, do better. I think you want this for me too. We can't control each other. That's for sure. lol. But we can challenge each other to think and feel. You brought out some very strong feelings and I think it has been healthy for me to write all of this. Therapeutic as you psychologists would say. lol. Anyhow, I feel better. I don't think I've forgotten much now, but who knows, I might add more later.

Still, seriously, if there is something you really really would like me to take down or change about you or your family, let me know. And I will consider it, though I won't promise? Fair enough? But explain what the problem really is. Don't say something like "it's just not right" or "family is a different matter altogether." This is the kind of simplistic stuff adults say to kids which kills their brain cells and stops them from thinking and feeling. It is like when I asked people why they do things in Indonesia and they would say "It is our culture." But to me that is no reason to keep doing it!

Another example.. here in South America they have developed this lovely habit of throwing water balloons at females who are walking on the street during the month of January. It is not always females though. I have been hit with water balloons too. When I ask why they do that this is what they say, "It is carnival." Carnival is evidently the big thing in Brazil where everyone gets drunk, parties, dresses up in costumes etc. Like Mardi Gras in New Orleans. But telling me that it is Carnival is not a good reason to keep doing it and I tell the people that whenever I can.

You guys say that emotional intelligence has to do with thoughs and feelings. So use a few more thoughts and feelings when you try to get me to change what I have written. lol. Saying "It's just not right" is using neither one as far as I am concerned!

Your pal,

Steve
Jan 23, 2005