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Jan 26, 2005 - On this page I had what I called an EI test for David Caruso. David had written me twice recently and wanted me to change my page on Dan Goleman and I felt defiant about it. So I made a test for him on which I said something like: "This is my site. I will do whatever I want with it so leave me alone." Then I asked him how I was feeling and what my unmet emotional needs were that I was trying to fill, along with a lot of other questions. (Actually what I originally said was "I will do whatever the fuck I want with it, so go fuck yourself", lol, if we are to be really honest! It's fun to swear sometimes, don't you agree? Then I changed it a bit, taking out the "go fuck yourself" part, to soften it up before I posted it. This was a sign of my emotional intelligence!)
David then wrote me back and since then we have reached a new level of mutual respect. More than respect, I feel a great deal of admiration for David Caruso. I will write more about our communication, because I believe there are things others can learn from it, but for now I will just show this link to something else I have written about David. http://eqi.org/caruso.htm
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Jan 28, 2005
I decided to put the original file back on here, partly because David refers to it on his page and partly because we have passed the most critical stage of our conflict over values, beliefs, etc.
I plan to write more about David's response, both what he said in his emails to me and also on this link: http://emotionaliq.org/steve.htm. For example, I want to talk about my own goals and I want to try to use his model. I also want to write to him again and suggest a model of mine for him to use. In this way we can learn from each other.
Anyhow, here is what I originally wrote on this page, with a few slight changes
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A Special EI Test for My Friend David Caruso
Here is a little EI test for David Caruso. lol. (lol - means laugh out loud in case you haven't been chatting with teenagers for the past few years like I have)
(In case you don't know who David is, or if you want to read more about him, along with some commentary about Peru, click here)
Ok, here is the test. It is just for fun. For my own fun mostly. lol. For my own amusement. And I want to see if David can take a joke. And if he can talk about his feelings. And I want to know what he is really afraid of.
I kept asking myself, what is David so afraid of? Then it came to mind that he might be afraid of looking stupid. Then I thought, this is what so many people with PhD's are afraid of: they are afraid of looking stupid. They have spent all that time and money trying to get smart or look smart or prove they are smart or whatever. So they are almost scared to death of looking stupid.
So anyhow, here is my little EI test for David. But let me give you some background. David doesn't like my site on Danny Goleman. He and Danny are pals now it seems. He told me that Danny wrote him a "nice" note complimenting him on something he wrote for Danny's site - the so called EI consortium site or whatever they are calling it these days. So he has been trying to get me to change what I have written about Danny, and especially about Danny's mother in law, who was arrested for abuse of animals. So here is my test. It is called the "How is Steve feeling test?"
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How is Steve feeling?
How am I feeling when I say "This is my site. It is number one on Google. And I will do whatever the fuck I want with it."
lol.
To get the "right" answer, it is important to know I am laughing right now. Without that bit of info, a person, even one as smart as David, who has a PhD in psychology, might fail the test. It is a pass/fail test, by the way. (Like the elections were in the USA. lol. And, in case you missed my little comments on the election, the people failed, in my not so humble opinion. lol.) It is pass/fail because I want it to be. And because I want to make the point that a pass/fail test on emotional intelligence doesn't make sense any more than saying something is "good or bad" or "black or white" or a "sin or not a sin." And I want to make the point that who passes and who fails depends on who is grading the test.
Ok, here is part two of the test I made especially for David.
How are you feeling right now, DC? And why? And what would help you feel better? And what feelings would be in the best interest of humanity? Also, what feelings would be most likely to get me to change what I have written. Or what feelings would be most likely to reduce the possibility of me writing something even more critical of Danny G.? Or what feelings, and thoughts, would help you feel less troubled by my page on Goleman, assuming that I told you that I am not going to change it? And how would you actually feel if I told you that I am not ever going to change one word of it? And then how would you feel if I told you that if you keep writing to me in the same way about it, I am less likely to change it as you would like me to, and more likely to criticize him more harshly?
What I would like you to do, David, is put your answers on your own website, then just show me the link.
I'd like to make our discussion public. I believe my ideas are better than yours. I believe the people of the world will realize this when they see your ideas and your thought process. I also believe I feel more secure than you and less afraid. And I believe I am better at talking about my feelings. So I challenge you to prove me wrong, if you think I am. Or to admit that I am right, if you agree with me. Let's have a little competition. I think it will be more interesting than a baseball game. lol.
I believe we will do the world a favor by putting our discussion on our sites and making it public. I respect you and admire you enough to want to see what you have to say. I want to learn from you. I feel open to your criticism. I feel a little afraid of it, but not much. Let's say 1 or 2 on a scale of 0 to 10. But I would like it to be public. I don't see a need for us to keep private our emails. Yet, because you have not given me your consent to post your emails, I won't do that. Even though I would like to.
I want to help you see that your ideas are not too good, on certain things at least. I also want you to help me promote my ideas and to help me be more influential. But I have my own ideas about how you can help me. And I don't want you to feel supportive of Goleman. I want you to feel supportive of me. And lately I haven't felt supported by you. Let's say 1 from 0 to 10.
I also want to show people the difference in our values. I want to ask you some questions, like how much time and money did you spend on baseball games last year, how much is your house worth, how much did your exercise machine cost, how much did your membership in the EI Consortium cost, who would you rather have your kids spend a week with: me or Dan Goleman? I want to ask you how many ties you have, how many suits and what the average cost of each suit and tie is. Then I want to ask you why you wear suits and ties and how you feel about my questions. And I want to ask you how much time you spent in religious related activities last year. And how many times you made your kids dress up to attend religious functions. And I want to ask you how much money you are spending to send your daughter to that boarding school. And I want to ask you why you believe that criticizing someone's family is "a different matter altogether." I really want to know these things. I am not just being facetious now.
I don't understand, and I am feeling judgmental. And if I understood I would feel less judgmental. I don't want to feel judgmental and I don't want you to feel judged. But I do want people to know the true answers to my questions. And I want to know them myself. I also want to know why you said "It's just not right" when you were talking about my criticism of Goleman. I want to see if you can give me a better explanation than that and if you can tell me more specifically how you feel and why. I expect more from you, or at least I want more from you. I feel cynical about the psychology programs at Yale and Stanford if after all that training in psychology you can't give me better explanations and more specific feelings. I want show people that those degrees aren't really that helpful in real life. And I don't want more young people going off to colleges and universities around the world to study psychology. I want them to do something which helps children and teenagers. And which helps me help young people. And helps me prove the things I have been writing about on here for years. And I want to know why you said that you don't think it is what I stand for. I am not sure what you think I do stand for. I'd like to know.
You said something like "I don't know how you do it" when you were talking about why my page on Goleman is ranked so highly. Here is one reason why I think it is and why I think my site on EI is number one on Google. I think it is because I make things personal. I know you won't feel comfortable with the questions I have just asked. But what I would like you to do is really think about why you don't feel comfortable. Then try to tell me and everyone else just what you are afraid of. After all, what good is fear if we can't say what exactly we are afraid of? To know oneself, and to know the society which they are a product of, I'd say we have to be very clear in what we are afraid of.
I have a different concept of EI now. I don't want to be a part of the "field" that you are trying to protect and advance or whatever. I want to go in my own direction and set my own path and be the leader. Or at least one of the leaders. I don't see any "leaders" in the so-called field of EI that I want to follow. So I will either be one of the leaders myself, or I will just go on my own path alone.
S. Hein
January 22, 2005
Chiclayo, Peru
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PS A little more background. I have visited David's house on two occasions. I spent the night there once. I like David a lot. I respect him and admire him a lot. I consider him a friend, and when I met him I even considered him as something like a brother. He is one of the smartest people I know. And one of the most humble and integritous. I asked him once why he does the work he does, since it was pretty clear to me he wasn't doing it for the money. He said he was doing it for the advancement of humanity, so I want to remind him of that goal and also let him know I share that goal. I want to tell him that I don't think his work in the past year has helped humanity much, as far as I can see at least. I think he can do much more.
By posting this, I am afraid of losing his friendship, but I will take the risk of losing his friendship and never hearing from him again because it is more important for me to, or let's say I believe it is more healthy for me personally and better for the world and even the so-called field of EI, to be what might be called brutally honest. I'd like to see more people be like me in this world, and in this so-called field of EI. David is a person who I believe can rise to the challenge of this posting. I wouldn't even bother with trying to write to Dan Goleman. I asked him once how he would describe an emotionally intelligent soldier and he never answered. I'd like to get David's thoughts on this too. And Jack Mayer's. But I am pretty sure Jack won't answer because it is not an academic enough question! lol
Oh, one more question for David - what do you mean exactly when you say the "field" of emotional intelligence? And do you consider me a part of the field? Would you consider me one of the leaders in the field? And why do you think my site is number one? (I am not really sure myself, but I'd like to hear your ideas)
I guess that was more like four more questions. lol.
Anyhow, it's about 4 AM now. I'm getting sleepy. I feel satisfied 8 or 9 with this. Afraid 1 or 2 of David's reaction. Trusting 8 or 9 that he will answer. Trusting 8 that it won't destroy our working/friendship relationship. Optimistic 1 or 2 that he will post his answer on his site and give me the okay to continue this dialogue on my site. Optimistic 6 that he will find something to thank me for and feel appreciative of from this. Optimistic 9 that he will get something of positive value from it. Accepting 9.5 that I am not going to change much about David or anyone else. At least not anyone over the age of 14. By then it is too late. But that is a whole other topic. So goodnight! (I'd send this now but I don't have a connection to the net. I have to wait till the morning. Which frustrates me. I want to send it so I will feel more relieved that it is sent. I've written other things about David before, but have never sent them. I really plan to send this one, though. Unless I wake up and feel differently. But even if I do I might just write, "I feel differently now" and tell how you I feel, but still leave this as it is, so you and DC can see what I was thinking tonight at three in the morning. A time when I often do my most clear thinking, actually. Yes, I am yawning now, so off to sleep I go.
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Part 2 - The next morning.
It is about 9 now. I have been laying here thinking about my letter to David Caruso. Here are some more thoughts.
I'd like to also ask David, as part of the little EI test, what unmet emotional needs was I trying to fill when I said "It is my site... etc."?
I'd also like to ask: How much do you feel cared about after you read all of this, from 0 to 10?
How much do you feel understood?
How much do you care about my feelings right now?
What do you mean when you use the word effective?
How much time have you spent outside of the USA in the past 10 years?
How much time have you spent chatting with teenagers per week, on average, who are not your own children, in the past 5 years?
Who do think understands teenagers better, you or me? Me or Dan Goleman?
How many highschool classrooms have you been in in the past 5 years, and how in how many different countries?
How many teenagers have wanted to leave their homes so they could work with you or come live with you in the past 5 years?
If you, Dan Goleman, or I spent one hour talking to suicidal teenagers, who do you think they would say they felt more understood by after the hour was over?
Do you think it is important that a suicidal teenager feels understood by someone who is trying to help them? Explain.
Whose input do you think would be more valuable in designing a test of emotional intelligence for teenagers, mine or Dan Goleman's?
How many times did you ask me for my input on the test you are creating for teenagers? How many times did you offer to show me the test as it was under construction? Why is the answer to both questions zero? How do you think I am feeling when I think about this? How much do you care how I am feeling?
Whose input did you seek in designing the test? How many teenagers' input did you seek? If you sought the input of any teenagers, how would you feel about me contacting them?
How would you feel about giving me the names and email addresses of the "experts" who scored the MSCEIT test?
How would you feel about asking them to take my "EI test" with the pictures of the little boy and girl in the parade" or asking them how a person is feeling when they say "It is my site... etc."?
Do you think patriotism is a good thing for humanity? Explain.
Do you think people in the USA need to be more patriotic, less patriotic or everything is okay just the way it is?
How would you describe an emotionally intelligent terrorist? What about two emotionally intelligent soldiers who meet each other on a battlefield from two different countries who are at war with each other? What behavior would be most effective? And how would you define effective in that situation?
Would you say that Bin Laden is emotionally intelligent? Explain.
Do you remember when we were walking on the sidewalk that day in your town, about a month after September 11, and I asked you why you think a person would instruct someone to crash an airplane into an office building and you said "because they are evil"? And do you remember what you said when I asked you where you think evil comes from? You said something like "I don't know, but we have to stop it any way we can." And do you remember you thought it might be a good idea to use tactical nuclear bombs to blow up the caves in Afghanistan where Bin Laden might have been hiding?
And do you think I would make a good prosecuting attorney if that is what I decided I wanted to be? lol - Especially if I were the one asking the questions of parents of suicidal teenagers who are being charged with emotionally incompetent parenting and endangering the life of a young person?
And finally, how do you feel now? Let's see how many feeling words you can come up with!
And how do you think I am feeling now?
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note to self - answers to my feelings and unmet needs are on davidc1b on hard disk only.
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Part 3
Now I have said pretty much everything I want to say. Now I can think about your feelings. But first I want to see how you respond. We can move to another level if we can successfully pass this one. By successful I mean that we are still talking. Still being emotionally honest with each other.
Right now I feel afraid 5, that David won't respond. But this fear is outweighed by the more positive feelings I have gotten from writing this. So I will post it.
S. Hein
Jan 22, 2005
Sorry - one more thing... I noticed that Jack Mayer recently took off his link to my site. (reference) I feel suspicious that you might have influenced him to do this. And I feel less respect for Jack, and I remember what he said back when they took the link to my site off of the EI consortium site. He disagreed with this, so I am wondering if he is doing pretty much the same thing for pretty much the same reason. My site makes a lot of people, especially ones with PhD's feel very uncomfortable or more specifically, threatened or afraid. I feel sad they can't just say what they are afraid of.
As for my fears, I am a little afraid of losing Jack's respect and admiration, but it is more important to me to say what I need to say right now. If they all want to try to pretend I don't exist, that is their choice. But the fact remains, my site is number one on google. So I feel confident, secure, let's say. Affirmed. The people have selected my site as number one.
By the way, I don't use any tricks to increase my site rankings. I don't pay any one to play with the search engines as some people and businesses do. My site is number one because of its own merits.
I also feel more sure of myself after writing this. I feel a little bad for taking David apart. Maybe he feels picked apart. I would understand that if he came up with that feeling. But I don't feel very afraid any real harm will come to him. I don't think his book sales will drop, I don't think his wife will leave him, I don't think his children will run away from home, I don't think he will lose any clients or any money as a result of what I have written.
What he might lose is some self-righteousness. He might lose some sense of security that his concept of the world, of teenagers, of the United States, of his values and his religion and what was taught to him in the schools in the USA has all been working well for him (and for the world.) If this is what happens, then I think it will be in the best interest of humanity. I want David to seriously question his own life and values. If he feels too secure, he won't question anything. On the other hand, if he feels too insecure he won't question anything either.
The bottom line is that I have a lot of faith in David Caruso. That is why I am posting this. It is not to hurt him, though I understand he might feel hurt. I trust 9 that he will understand this, if not right away, then with some later reflection. I do care about David Caruso. I believe he is an important person for the world. I believe he has much untapped potential to help humanity. I feel instructive right now. I want to be his teacher. He hasn't asked me to be his teacher, though, so I am taking a risk he will feel very offended and betrayed. But I will take that risk.
David knows I am a risk taker. Once he admired me. I hope he still does admire me. But what is more important is that I admire myself. This is what my heart tells me to do. For most people, none of this will have much impact. It will only really impact David. And even then, only for a short time. He can just go distract himself with a baseball game if he feels too hurt or threatened or whatever by my comments and questions! David knows how to take care of himself. And so do I. So he can write whatever he wants. I look forward to his answer. And if he doesn't answer, I will accept that too. Right now I have to go back and watch the mechanics do stupid things with my van again. Here are a couple pics I took of it in the past two days....
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Notice that in the first pic there is no steering wheel and no steering column. One mechanic fucked up my steering system about three weeks ago when he tried to take the steering wheel off. I have gone to three mechanics now to get it fixed and still it is not fixed. So I had them put the steering wheel back on so I could drive it to another place. Then that night my lights didn't work so I have started working on the electrical system. It is totally screwed up, too. lol. Life in Peru!
S. H.
And here is the email I sent to David today
David has helped design what he and his friends think is a test of emotional intelligence called the MSCEIT test. He has also co-authored a book which is supposed to be about emotional intelligence and business management. He and a friend of his give what they call workshops on emotional intelligence once or twice a year and charge something like $2,000 to attend. (see http://cjwolfe.com)
In comparison, there are many families here in Peru who live in houses which have no running water and no electricity and only dirt floors. These houses or shacks, as they are probably better called, can be rented for about 13 dollars per month, or less. So $2,000 would pay for a family's home for about 13 years. I have visited these homes and eaten inside them. And I have seen how many smart children live in them. Children who have almost no hope of ever leaving Peru or of ever learning English or how to use a computer or the Internet. Or of learning any new ideas which would help them be happier and healthier. Or which would help them make more of a contribution to humanity.
Here are pics of some of these shacks where I have talked to intelligent children and teenagers. And where young people live who are regularly hit by their parents for any disobedience or backtalk. And who can't legally leave these shacks until they are 18 years old unless they have their parent's permission. Of course by that time they will either be very rebellious or have almost no self-esteem. They will feel powerless and resigned. They will have learned lots of unhealthy ways to try to stop their emotional pain.
All of this is similar in most countries. It is only different in degree here. In most countries, for example, children and teenagers are punished for disobedience, especially in the school systems if not in the homes. And if they are not punished, they are threatened with punishment just enough to get most of them to obey and conform. And they are slowly made to feel either resentful and defiant, or powerless. Or they are brainwashed to adopt whatever the values are of that culture and family they have been forced to live in for 18 years. They become so brainwashed they willingly go along with things they would not have done when they were young had someone offered them an option.
The difference in Peru is that it is more obvious that the parents and schools are abusing the children and teens physically and emotionally. And they are filling their minds with what is called the Catholic religion, and only the Catholic religion. Most of these young people will never have a chance to learn about any other beliefs systems, even if the one they are being taught is psychologically destroying them, which I believe it is. I saw the same kind of thing in Indonesia. But there it was the Muslim and Hindu religions. David was raised as a Catholic, by the way.
Anyhow, here are a couple pics
.. 
Something else about David. In his home there is a picture of him with very long hair from when he was in college. He told me he was an anti-war protestor back then. His values have changed now. Now he thinks it might be a good idea to use nuclear weapons to kill someone who disagrees with the American value system and doesn't follow its rules. I feel very, very sad about this. And I feel obligated to tell people what I know now. I have kept silent for long enough. My silence was out of respect for David and out of fear that I would lose his friendship. It was about three years ago that I visited David's house. But now my heart tells me to write this and to hope for the best but be prepared to accept the worst.
By the way, here is David's website.
References
Jack Mayer dropping the link to my page
Jack Mayer's page where he used to have a link to my site. http://www.unh.edu/emotional_intelligence/eilinks1.htm
This is what he used to say on that page (as of December 2004)
Steve Hein is a former software engineer who became interested in EI early in the discipline's history. He runs a large EI site which has often been ranked the number 1 site on the web for EI. It contains a considerable amount of primary academic EI sources, his commentary on them (often quite opinionated -- and not always something I would agree with!), and other areas of his interest. It can be found at www.eqi.org.
I am not sure when he added the "former software engineer" part. I don't recall that being on his original reference. I suspect he wanted to say that to make people feel a little more skeptical about me. But maybe he always had said that. Once he used to say something like "Steve is a very thoughtful person." That was about three years ago when I wasn't so outspoken against the traditional value system in the USA and in many so-called developed countries in the world.Or maybe I am feeling paranoid and Jack had no such intention when he said former software engineer. But I will say I feel misrepresented by this as I have never called myself a "former software engineer." What I would say about myself instead is something like "Steve is a person who cares very deeply about children and teenagers, who expresses his feelings very openly and directly and and who is not afraid to say whatever he thinks in whatever way he wants to say it. His site has consistently been number one on Google in emotional intelligence for the past 12 months as of January 2005."
See the related story of when the EI Consortium dropped the link to my site http://eqi.org/eicons.htm
Letter to David - Jan 22, 2005
Hi David,
Here is what I wrote yesterday. Then at night I decided to post
something to my site. You can see it under new items. Right now I
feel afraid to send this letter and post what I wrote, but I am
going to do it. I won't feel good if I don't.
I hope we can stay friends and I will try to respect whatever you
say in response and if you want me to change something or take it
down I will seriously consider it because I value our friendship.
My feelings have changed a lot, back and forth. I really have
mixed feelings but mostly I have faith in you and our friendship
and the mutual respect and admiration we have or at least once
had. I am not happy with a lot of things, as you'll see. But you
can handle it all and maybe we will end up understanding each
other more. I miss our chats and our talks in person.
You always used to stimulate my brain. I hope that my writing
stimulates yours now!
Steve
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Hi David,
Yeah I got your mail. I wrote a lot after I read it. I felt a lot
of things. Mixed feelings. I was going to put what I wrote on my
site. Then I thought maybe I would send it to you first. Then I
didn't like how I felt about it.
It triggered a lot of feelings, thoughts.
Here's a few, but first -- I value our friendship. I feel sad at
the thought of doing anything to damage our friendship. Very sad.
At the same time I have to be true to my own heart or amygdala or
whatever you want to call it.
I don't like where the "field" of EI has gone. I don't
want to be a part of it. I want to stay an outsider, or lead it
in a different direction.
I think about why my site is number one. I feel, what..?
Self-righteous? I don't think that's the best word. I'll try to
explain it in another way.
I think my site is number one because a) it has practical
information on it. Not just theoretical. I feel cynical about so
many things - so much of what I was supposedly taught in school.
I feel resentful about what was done to me as a child in school,
in highschool, in the university. I didn't learn the most
important things.
I am miserably unhappy much of the time. I feel suicidal often. I
am in so much emotional pain so much of the time. What I see in
this world hurts me so much. Especially what is being done to
children and teenagers.
I feel very strongly opposed to the emphasis on business and
management. I feel sad about your book on management. I feel very
alone. I don't feel supported by anyone in the "field."
I don't believe anyone in the "field" knows what is
truly important. I don't believe we need anymore books on
management. I believe we need books on raising children and
teenagers differently. On a whole different kind of society,
based on children and teenagers needs and feelings.
I feel very very alone. I live alone, I travel alone. I work
alone. I think alone. I write alone. I cry alone.
I used to have people who believed in me and who wanted to help
me, to travel with me. But they were teenagers. So called minors.
Who came up with this and why?
Why is there a law that keeps people in prisons called homes?
I don't believe it is for their own good. I think that is crap.
The worst parents use this law to control their teenagers when
they haven't earned their respect.
Good parents discuss things with their teenagers. I think you and
I would agree on that. Would you seriously tell one of your own
children they can't do what their heart tells them to do because
there is a law that gives you the power to stop them from leaving
home, stops them from making love with the person they are in
love with, stops them from leaving a country they don't want to
be in?
I've been robbed so many times now. Robbed of people I love. By
parents, police. I feel less and less respect for this set of
laws I see around the world. The laws are not based on feelings
or love. If my child loves me and I love my child I don't think I
need a law telling me I can call the police and force them to
come home or force them to stop seeing a person they love.
I don't see anyone else in this "field" questioning the
most fundamental things.
In your article for the EI consortium you said something like we
need to be open to criticism. But you don't want me to criticize
Goleman or his family. First, it was him, then his family. And
you didn't like how I criticized Elias. But I believe people read
my sites on Goleman and Elias because what I say makes sense. I
believe people need to hear what I have to say. I believe these
people (Goleman/Elias) are fakes. I want to discredit them.
People have tried to discredit me over and over but my site is
still number one.
I don't believe family is another matter. I criticize my own
family on my sites. I would not tell someone not to criticize my
family. I believe we over protect families. I believe we do this
because we feel insecure. If we felt secure, then what would be
the problem?
The world is full of insecure people. And I believe I know why. I
want to change the way the entire world thinks, feels and acts. I
will never be satisfied with what I have done. I need support to
do what I want to do and I am not getting much of it. And when
you wrote me I felt unsupported. I haven't felt very supported by
you in the past couple years. I felt hurt that you wrote
something for the Six Seconds site for example, but you've never
written anything for my site. I have always respected your wishes
not to write about you or your family. But I do have some mixed
feelings about this. For example, the time you told me that
people would blow up a building like the twin towers because they
are evil.
I think to myself, "come on, this guy has a phd in
psychology and that is the best he can come up with."
Then in your last message you said "It's just not
right." So again I think "That is the best explanation
David can give me!?"
What I want to know is how you feel and why. I don't want to hear
"it's just not right." And you said something like
"I don't think itis what you stand for either." But
what do I stand for? I am not sure what you mean.
I will tell you what I really think. I think a) you are afraid
one day I will criticize you and your family on my site - you've
pretty much told me that already.
Okay- so this is a reasonable fear. I understand it. But then I
ask, so what is David really afraid of? Is he that insecure that
he can't handle me criticizing him or his family? Is his family
that helpless and weak or whatever that what I would say on my
site would somehow destroy them. I feel cynical and sarcastic.
And superior. I don't like these feelings, but I have them. I
feel confused David. I don't know what to do, what to say or how
to say it. I feel frustrated. I don't like what I was taught, how
I was taught to think and how I was taught to judge other people.
I want to be more compassionate but I don't always feel
compassionate.
What I stand for, I think anyhow, is the truth. I think you'd
probably agree there is no one in this "field" who has
been more truthful about self-disclosure for example. Once you
said that I take a lot of risks. But with all the risks I have
taken, my site is still number one. And I am still alive. What
are we all so afraid of really?
I'm tempted to put this letter on my site. And your emails. But I
don't want to destroy our friendship or at the least working
relationship.
I want to have more influence in the world, David. You can help
me. But I don't feel helped by you. From 0 to 10 maybe 1. Do you
really think Goleman needs to be protected? Who do you think
would lead the world in a better direction? Me or Goleman? I
believe I would. I really believe that. What has Goleman said
that is really new, really confronting? Really challenging? I
challenge the status quo nearly every day. When has Goleman done
that? When have you done it yourself?
I'll be really honest. I feel superior to you these days. I
believe I am closer to what is needed for the advancement of
humanity than you are these days. I don't think more tests are
doing to stop parents from treating their teenagers like
prisoners who are serving a sentence for a crime they never
committed. 18 years. 18 years in prison. That is how it is in
many homes.
Would Goleman challenge this law? I seriously doubt it. I don't
think you would either. If we had a lot of time I am pretty sure
I could show you the reasoning behind my feelings. I feel very
sure that these laws are not good for humanity.
I believe anyone who says they care about emotions or emotional
intelligence needs to look at children and teenagers feelings.
And I don't mean by giving them the youth version of your test. I
don't feel supportive of the EI test anymore. Jack and you and
Peter have spent so much time on the test and defending it and
trying to improve it etc. I think this time could have been
better spent. When I look at the articles Jack is writing now,
they seem so foreign to me. The language is so very far from that
of the regular person.
I don't want more people to go to universities. I don't think
that is where the solution to the world's pain and violence can
be found.
I don't even want them to go to highschool. I don't want them
learning to add fractions when they are 10 years old or so. I saw
a girl's notebook from Indonesia when she was 8 years old and she
was doing algebra already. She tried to kill herself several
times over the next 10 years. So was her school teaching her the
most important things?
I believe the system the adults have created is very very flawed.
I need your support if I am going to be more respected and taken
more seriously etc.
I'd like to have an open debate with you on my site. I believe I
can show that you are wrong and that my ideas make more sense.
Jack said something like ideas come and go and the bad ones die.
I think you have been taught with a lot of bad ideas and now you
have adopted them. But I feel very confident about my ideas. I
have learned them on my own and from traveling and living. I've
travelled so much more than you. I've seen more of the world, and
I am pretty sure I have cried more in the past year than you have
in your whole life. Life in the USA teaches you to be detached
from your feelings. I had to get away from the USA to really get
close to my feelings. I've had to get dirty. To eat food with my
dirty hands, to sleep on floors, to go for days without showers.
To sit in the dirt with children and not worry about getting my
white shirt dirty. I don't have white shirts anymore. I don't
have ties.
Why does anyone have a tie really? They don't protect us from the
rain. They don't protect us from the cold.
I am opposed to so much of the status quo.
Here in Peru I am trying to change everything pretty much. It is
me against the country, the culture, the Catholic religion, the
system of education. But I am determined to try.
Take a look at this if you haven't seen it. I have tons of
pictures to support what I am saying. I've just put the tip of
the iceberg on the link
http://eqi.org/perusum1.htm
Something else - you said I could say things that are not
emotionally intelligent. But who can really say yet what is
emotionally intelligent and what isn't? You and Jack have your
idea of what emotional intelligence is. For a long time I
supported it. But now I have more of my own idea.
It is like saying something is "stupid" or
"wrong." Who decides what is stupid or wrong?
We don't have a good test yet. And I don't think you guys are on
the right track anymore. I used to think you were, but now I
don't. I never posted that critique I sent you of the EI tests,
and now I've lost it. I feel bad about this because I think it
had a lot of good points in it.
You and Jack and Peter are very American. There is no way you can
be objective when you design that test. And the experts have all
been to schools which are very similar to the universities in the
USA. As I have gone to visit psych departments around the world I
see they are all teaching pretty much the same thing. I don't
have confidence in psychologists from universities. I haven't met
any that really talk about their own feelings. You do a better
job than most but you say things like "its just not
right."!
To me that is about as helpful as saying "it is a sin."
Anyhow, getting back to your fears. I listed "a)" but I
think there are more reasons you don't like what I say about
Goleman. Another reason might be that you want to be on his good
side. And you want to stay friends with all the PhDs that you
know and all the business people. All your clients. If they knew
you supported my site you might lose business and money. You
might feel awkard seeing them or talking to them if my name came
up. I don't know. I'm just guessing. And what if you knew that I
had a teenage girlfriend? You said something like a teenager is
always too young, but you don't know the people I have known. I
was so happy with a teenager in Australia once. Now she has
changed for the worse. She would have been such a different
person had she left home when I met her and travelled with me.
But the laws don't allow it and her parents used the laws to keep
her from being with me. This was not the first or the last time.
If you knew this person, if you had talked to her, I think you
would agree with me she was not a typical teenager old. She had
more intelligent things to say than either of her parents. And
than the vast majority of the people called police.
I'm really bitter about this. I feel so robbed. I can't write
happy positive things when I feel robbed, alone, misunderstood,
unsupported.
I also feel defiant, rebellious. When you tell me you don't like
what I say, I just want to write more about Goleman. I feel a bit
cynical about this too. I am thinking "If David understood
emotions he would understand that I am a person who feels
rebellious and defiant, and he would understand that telling such
a person what to do, or suggesting what they should do, when they
obviously feel strongly about something, is likely to trigger
more feelings of defiance and rebelliousness."
And I don't feel understood by you. How much do you understand
why I have written what I have about Goleman and why I am not
going to change it?
What you could write is something like "Steve, I don't
understand why you feel so strongly about Goleman. Why it is so
important to you to discredit him. I would like to
understand."
Don't they teach you to talk like that in those PhD classes?!
I'll try to tell you again why I feel so strongly.
There are a lot of reasons actually. But basically he represents
just about everything I despise.
So there we see that this is another reason you feel
uncomfortable. Because you have many things in common with him.
It's probably fair to say your life is much more similar to
Goleman's than to mine. So you might feel guilty and attacked and
criticized by association.
I also feel nearly hopeless, discouraged about this letter. I
don't see much chance that it will make much difference. I don't
see you doing things that I would feel supportive of just because
I wrote you a long letter pouring my heart out.
The one thing I do hope for is that you will agree to have an
open debate with me and to give me your permission to post your
letters. I will admire you more if you do this. I believe we have
similar goals, David. I believe there is a reason you've written
me and feel concerned about what I have to say. I believe you can
learn more from me now than I can learn from you. I feel afraid
you might feel offended by that, but it's the truth.
I do admire you. You can handle the truth more than most people.
When I say the truth, I mean, in this case, my actual opinions,
feelings. I don't sugar coat things because they might hurt you.
Well, that is a lie. I do sometimes withhold things. Like the
time your wife said something to your son who wanted to be the
pitcher one morning. I'd like to write about that, but I am
afraid you will feel protective of her. And that is something
else. I feel very cynical about her being a child psychologist. I
was tempted to write something about that on the site. I think
she is very insecure. I think it would cause problems for you if
she read what I wrote or if you gave me permission to write it.
So if this is the case, I would ask, why is she so insecure? What
is she so afraid of
My guess is she couldn't even tell you what she is afraid of. She
would probably just say things like "it's just not
right."! See what I mean?
What good are our feelings if we can't even identify what we are
afraid of!
I really want to post this letter. Could you take a close look
and see what you really don't want me to make public? And could
you look at the last email you sent me where you said "its
just not right" and tell me how you feel about me posting
it. And then could you give me your okay to at the least post
your feelings about why you don't want me to post the letter or
this letter or parts of same.
I want your help David. I want you to help me change the world. I
know I challenge and frustrate you. But that's why I am here I
guess!
lol
Your pal
Steve
Here is what I wrote the next day -- http://eqi.org/davidc2.htm
Here is a something I wrote about David back in 2001 after I attened his workshop -- http://eqi.org/caruso.htm
Something else. At the top of the page I wrote in 2001 I said I was afraid David was a bit too much like Goleman. Now I see that my fears were more correct than I knew at the time. I won't say that David is being friendly with Goleman now and trying to protect him for personal profit, though. I still don't think David is motivated much by money. I think he wants to feel important, influential, respected, admired, listened to, etc. He probably feels there is safety in.. well let me say it this way. Maybe David feel reasured by Goleman's approval. Maybe he never got enough approval from his own parents. I want David's approval too, because I respect and admire him, or I once did, I am not feeling to sure now. It will depend on how he responds to my writing. Anyhow, though I want David's approval I would say I have more integrity than to compromise my own standards to get it. And yes, that is what I think David has done, a little at least. Look at what David said back in 2001. He said Goleman's work was "absurd, ridiculous, embarrasing." And Goleman hasn't change much of what he has said since 2001, so why does David suddenly feel good when Goleman writes him a letter of approval. Goleman makes me sick. He is a master manipulator. I have said this before but I want to say it again. To me he is a fake. A phoney. A fraud. He is not a real person. He doesn't have the balls to write me directly. He is a wimp. A coward. lol. Okay so I am labeling him. Whatever. lol. I feel offended by him and what he is doing. And now he is trying to rob me of a friend of mine. So go on if you want David, go take sides with Goleman. Go kiss his ass and maybe he will invite you to speak at one of his conferences or something. At the very least he will welcome you to write more for his shitty, money and business oriented, second ranked EI consortium site. lol
So how is Steve feeling now? lol
Whatever. Or as my former friend Steff would say w/e. lol
Steff was 14 when we were close friends. Then her parents stopped us from talking. Oh well, you win some you lose some. Just like baseball, right DC? lol