CKC1

Carissa

Carissa has recently come to work here as a volunteer in the Teen Suicide Work Exchange Program. I decided to introduce her today, since it is National Self Injury Awareness day in several countries. She has self-harmed since she was 15. At age 19, she took an overdose of pills. She is now 21, soon to be 22. She graduated from an American university with a degree in psychology. But no one ever asked her or her classmates if they had ever cut, self-harmed or felt suicidal. Her dream is to be a counselor so she came here to get some real-life practical counseling skills working with the online teenagers in the chat support group.

When I met Carissa I noticed she had a wristband. I asked her what it was about and she told me it was about self-harm. Here is a picture of it. It says: "Stop the cycle." She wears it to help increase awareness of self-injury.

The next picture also shows some of her deepest scars from cutting.

By the way, she doesn't really like to have her picture taken so I appreciate her agreeing to these. My main reason for taking them is to help the teenagers feel more understood.

Here is something she wrote about herself and her feelings about her scars and cutting.

Carissa's Writing

So today Steve asked to take a picture of my wristband so he could put it on his website since today is Self-Injury Awareness Day. I readily agreed, feeling honored that I could in at least a small way. But when he asked to take a picture of my scars, I hesitated.

It's true that I am not ashamed of my scars, because why regret something that hurt so much? These scars marked my darkest years to date, and it symbolized a period of growth that has made me into the person I am today.

But if it was on the Internet, everyone could see it. My friends, my family...but then I decided that there was really no point in hiding it -- the ugly truth.

So I agreed to the picture.

While the picture was being taken, I started to wonder how people would look at the scars, what they would think of them.

What was it exactly that I wanted them to feel? I don't want pity; I don't want sympathy. I guess I would just want them to feel more aware...at least when it comes to the imperfect reality of self-injury and depression.

For someone like me, it would be safe to say that negative reactions (disgust, fear, anger) would make matters worse. Neutral reactions, which usually involve blank stares and a loss for words, don't help much.

I can understand that most people can't give the positive support that self-injurers like me need. But to show that you care, you have to show that you're thinking about me...and that pretty much means that you have to be thinking about my scars.

I can understand that people need time to digest on their own, and I would be willing to wait -- to wait for others to say something, anything about my cutting.

I guess that's the only thing I need: acknowledgment.

Because what's done is done...I have since come to terms with my cutting and the toll it has taken on my body. I don't need someone to "cure" me, someone to "talk some sense" into me, or even to make me feel better about it.

I just need someone to know and to accept it. Me as I am now, and me as I was.

Steve's Comments

I started to cry as I read this. Not just for Carissa but for all the teenagers I have peronally known who have been in such emotional pain that they learned to cut themselves as temporary relief. I asked Carissa how she feels when she sees someone cry over her pain and she said, "I feel uncomfortable because I don't know what to do. I also feel acknowledged a little which helps me feel better."

I later suggested to her that whenever she sees someone crying she approach them and offer them a hug or put a hand on their shoulder. I also showed her the story of JW to help her understand that when she doesn't know what to do, or if the other person can't talk, it could be helpful for her to still express her feelings honestly and try to show the other person she understands how they are feeling.

Later we were talking more about her scars and her past and she made these comments.

Of her scars she said, "I am a little proud of them because I wasn't allowed to show my real emotions so the scars were something like concrete, physical evidence of what was going on inside. I had to be fake and plaster a fake smile on my face. Sometimes I saw myself as an actress. I think I played the part pretty well."

After she said this I started thinking that what a person probably wants is something like this. First to be acknowledged. Second to be accepted. And at a higher level, to feel understood. I have never cut myself so I can only speak from the experience of others, but I suspect that teenagers who cut really do want and need to feel understood. In fact, I believe that if more people understood that self-injury is directly caused by abuse of some kind, and always includes emotional abuse, then they would try to help stop the abuse and give the young people the emotionally safe and nurturing environment they need. Part of the work we do is to try to help teenagers see that they are not to blame for their self-harm, and that what they have needed all their life is an emotionally safe, validating and supportive place to live and learn.