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Briar - 15 as of April 2002

Ontario, Canada

April 2, 2002 Chat

Would cry If you saw me crying says:
hi..this is Briar from xxx
steve says:
hey
steve says:
how are u feeling
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
horrible
steve says:
how come
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
last august, my bf hung himself
and saturday night, his cousin (a really close friend of mine) killed himself
steve says:
k
steve says:
what is bothering u the most right now
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
the fact that I know it was my fault
steve says:
which one
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
the one that happened saturday
steve says:
k
steve says:
how was it your fault
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
it was my fault cuz he and i got into a huge fight about how he wasnt over tyler's death (the guy who killed himself in august) and I was (or so he thought) and then yesterday morning I got a call saying he was dead
steve says:
shit
steve says:
so u feel guilty
steve says:
responsible?
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
yeah...
steve says:
how much
steve says:
0-10
steve says:
ten being totally guilty
steve says:
totally responsible
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
about 8 or 9
steve says:
k
steve says:
what was your friends name again
steve says:
who just killed himself
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
Scot
steve says:
k
steve says:
what would u say to scot if you could right now
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
I'd tell him how much I love him and miss him and I'd prolly yell at him for being so stupid and selfish
steve says:
k
steve says:
how do u mean selfish
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
He didn't care that he'd be putting me and his friends and family thru tons of pain. he only cared that it would end his pain
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
he must have really been in pain
steve says:
why was he in so much do u think
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
cuz him and Tyler were really close and he just couldnt deal with Tyler's death...
the fact that he saw me in the ICU the month after Tyler died probably didn't help either
steve says:
what do u mean
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
I tried to kill myself by O.d.'ing on T3 in September and Scot had a hard time dealing with that, too
steve says:
how come u wanted to kill urself then
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
Because I've been through a lot more than people know about. I was raped every night from the time that I was 9 until last summer (when I was put into foster care). I used to get beat everyday, too. I thought I was worthless, and I am. I was battling anorexia and it was all just too much for me.
steve says:
wow
steve says:
who was raping u
steve says:
your dad?
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
my stepdad
steve says:
k
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
I've never met my real dad
steve says:
k
steve says:
do u hate your stepdad or how do u feel about him now
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
i hate him, and I always will
steve says:
did someone report him
steve says:
or what happened that u went to foster care
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
My stepsister's mom reported him and his trial is in 2 weeks.
steve says:
will u have to testify
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
yep. my 2 stepsisters, my friend, and I all have to testify
steve says:
how do u feel about testifying
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
I'm a little nervous, but I know that if I don't testify, he might have the chance to do the same thing to one of my sisters
steve says:
k
steve says:
good for u
steve says:
did u see the page i created for machelle
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
no
Would cry If you saw me crying says:
I gtg...
sorry
i'll talk to ya some other time
steve says:
k
steve says:
glad we chatted
steve says:
hang in there!

-----

April 4, 2002 Chat

steve says:
Hey
steve says:
is this Briar?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
hi
yeah...
steve says:
hi
steve says:
how are u feeling
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
*shrugs*
i've been better
steve says:
k
steve says:
have u still been feeling suidical
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
not today
steve says:
k
steve says:
do u have someone there in real life you can talk to
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
yeah
steve says:
good
steve says:
who is easist for you to talk to and most understanding
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
my friend Lorah
steve says:
k
steve says:
where are u anyhow
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
im in xxx, Ontario, Canada
steve says:
k
steve says:
what time is it there
steve says:
i am in australia right now
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
its 4:15 pm
steve says:
k
steve says:
do u go to highschool?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
yep
steve says:
k
steve says:
how is school going for u
steve says:
from 0-10?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
ummm.....
1
steve says:
how come so low
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
cuz school sux and ive got *the* worst teachers
steve says:
in what way are they the worst
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
they judge me by who my sister was and how much of a slut she was. they think that just cuz Jade was a druggie that always skipped school that I'm going to turn out the same and my teachers all think that no matter what they do, im never going to even *try* to succeed in life
steve says:
nice of them
steve says:
so u feel judged by them too?
steve says:
and underestimated
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
*nods*
steve says:
is there any decent teacher there
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
no
steve says:
that sux
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
i gtg...
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
sorry
steve says:
k
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
bye
steve says:
bye

-----

steve says:
hey ur back
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
hi
steve says:
u busy now?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
no
steve says:
k
steve says:
hey i was just talking to my friend sarah
steve says:
she tried to kill herself last night
steve says:
we had a really interesting chat
steve says:
about why she feels likke a fuck up and stuff
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
i think I read in her diary that she tried to kill herself
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
..
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
do u want to see our chat?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
not really...
steve says:
k
steve says:
i was helping her figure out why she felt so undeserving of love
steve says:
we talked about how her mom used to hit her and scream at her when she was 6 and 7 years old
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
wow...
steve says:
yeah and how her grandparents would treat her mom
steve says:
blame her for their problems and stuff
steve says:
did mom hit u?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
no, only my stepdad did
steve says:
k
steve says:
did u say he is in jail waiting for the trial right now
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
he's not in jail...
but the trial is coming up soon
steve says:
oh
steve says:
has he threatened u or anything
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
nope
steve says:
k
steve says:
does anyone at school know what happened - any counselors or teachers or any of the kids
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
no, im good at hiding it
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
how many of your friends know
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
just one
steve says:
the girl u told me about
steve says:
Lorah?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
yep
steve says:
k
steve says:
was it hard for u to tell her?
steve says:
and how did she react
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
yes, it was reallly hard 4 me 2 tell her
and when i told her she was really surprised... she hugged me and started to cry
steve says:
then how did u feel
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
i felt horrible cuz she was crying but relieved cuz some1 knew
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
why don't u want the people at school to know
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
cuz they'll act weird around me if i do
steve says:
how do u mean
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
well, at my old school, when I was still living at home, a couple ppl found out and they treated me like a freak after. they would whisper about me in the halls and pretend to be my friends and stuff
steve says:
nice
steve says:
so u felt humiliated or what
steve says:
self-conscious..?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
i was really embarassed cuz at the time i blamed myself for wat my stepdad was doing
steve says:
how come u blamed urself
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
cuz i honestly thought it was my fault...
i thought that if he was hurting me it was cuz I was a brat and i didnt deserve to be treated any better
steve says:
so he would hit u during the day and rape u at night?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
*nods*
steve says:
nice guy
steve says:
what would u say to him right now if you knew he was behind bars and couldn't hit u
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
I'd tell him he was an ass for treating me the way he did and that i deserve way better. id tell him i hope he burns in Hell
steve says:
what did he say to justify him hitting u
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
he said that I was a bitch and a slut and that bitches and sluts deserved to die
steve says:
then how would u feel
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
horrible. I would lock myself in my room and cry for hours. I thought what he was saying to me was true...
steve says:
what about when he was raping u
steve says:
what would he say then to justify that
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
he said it was because i needed to learn how to love and how to be loved
steve says:
your kidding
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
honestly...
steve says:
what did u think about that??
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
when he first started raping me I thought that it was because he loved me, but then I realized that it wasnt love... And that's when I flipped out. I starting spending time at my friends and having them spend the night at my house. I thought I was worthless....
steve says:
oh man
steve says:
when did this all start?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
when i was 8 1/2
steve says:
wow
steve says:
when did u realize it was shit
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
when i was 13
steve says:
k
steve says:
and how old r u now?

Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
im 15 now
steve says:
k
steve says:
damn
steve says:
is your self confidence going up now
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
not really
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
do u think it will once all this is behind u
steve says:
brb
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
i doubt it
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
k
steve says:
has anyone gotten u some counseling
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
no
steve says:
??
steve says:
u serioius??
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
im serious
steve says:
would u want some
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
not really
steve says:
i am confused.... how can the court be involved and no one is getting you some help to deal with this?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
I told my Child Protection Worker that I didnt need it
steve says:
what did she say
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
she said it was up to me
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
i can sort of see that
steve says:
but this a lot of shit to deal with
steve says:
can u talk to your mom about it now
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
no
steve says:
how are things between u two
steve says:
from 0-10
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
0
steve says:
what is it like
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
we never talk or see each other
steve says:
r u in the same place or where are u staying - did u say they put u in foster care?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
im in foster care
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
my mom's in a different town
steve says:
k
steve says:
is that fine with u?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
yeah
steve says:
hey do u know this girl named ricks angel?
steve says:
or nicks angel
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
no
steve says:
k
steve says:
cuz i think she told me about a friend of hers who got moved to a different town cuz of some shit like what happend to u
steve says:
i thought it might just be u
steve says:
i think she lived in canada
steve says:
but maybe not
steve says:
i forget
steve says:
tell me again how it all came out in the open....
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
my stepsister was spending a weekend at my house and she saw my stepdad throw me down the stairs. I ended up fracturing my shoulder and spraining my ankle. She went home and told her mom (who works for Children's Aid) and her mom called the cops. The next evening, the cops came to pick me up and bring me to the hospital and they questioned me. One of the questions they asked was if the physical...
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
abuse was the only way he was abusing me. So I told them what had been happening
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
I was crying so hard
steve says:
i bet...
steve says:
r u thankful your stepsister called the police?
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
yeah...
if she hadnt, i could be dead by now
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
how did the police treat u
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
they were really nice, when they were questioning me they even offered to let me take a break and finish answering the questions later if i thought it would be easier for me. They wanted to make absolutely sure that I was ok (emotionally and physically) one of the female officers visited me in the hospital every day after work.
steve says:
cool
steve says:
how about your child protection worker - how was she
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
she was nice (of course, she HAD to be)
steve says:
what do u mean
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
well, she gets paid to work with kids so if she wasnt nice, she risked getting fired
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
shes not the greatest worker, tho. She always accuses me of being anorexic
steve says:
brb
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
k
steve says:
k
steve says:
yeah i kwym
steve says:
(know what u mean)
steve says:
hey i g2g....
Would You Cry If You Saw Me Crying? :'( says:
aight...
bye
steve says:
k
steve says:
hang in there!

-----

April 13, 2002 Chat

steve says:
hey
I wish I knew who I am says:
hi
steve says:
i just got your note
steve says:
what happened?
I wish I knew who I am says:
I wrote a suicide note to say bye to all my friends and it fell out of my pocket
I wish I knew who I am says:
and the cops found it
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
then what
I wish I knew who I am says:
the cops tracked me down
I wish I knew who I am says:
and brought me 2 the hospital
steve says:
how did the cops treat u
I wish I knew who I am says:
they were really nice
steve says:
k
steve says:
then what happened at the hospital
steve says:
how did u feel while u were there
I wish I knew who I am says:
i got put into the child and adolescent unit of the psych ward...
i felt horrible while i was there
I wish I knew who I am says:
i realized that my life couldnt possibly get any worse
I wish I knew who I am says:
all the nurses were accusing me of being anorexic and i hafta go back on Sunday night
steve says:
are u going to go?
I wish I knew who I am says:
I have no choice...
if I dont go, the cops will just track me down again and take me back there
steve says:
were u really planning on killing yourself
I wish I knew who I am says:
yes
steve says:
how were u going to do it
I wish I knew who I am says:
I was gonna O.D. on T.3.
steve says:
what is that?
I wish I knew who I am says:
Tylenol 3
steve says:
oh
steve says:
are u still planning on doing it?
I wish I knew who I am says:
yes
steve says:
how come
I wish I knew who I am says:
cuz my life is crap
steve says:
what has been happening since I talked to u last
I wish I knew who I am says:
i gained 5 lbs since then...
I testified against my stepdad yesterday...
My bf left me for my best friend...
steve says:
what is bothering u the most of those
I wish I knew who I am says:
having gained weight
steve says:
how do u weigh now?
I wish I knew who I am says:
95 pounds
steve says:
how much would u like to be
I wish I knew who I am says:
between 60 and 70
steve says:
k
steve says:
how tall are u anyhow? that seems low to me!
steve says:
unless u are a midget!
steve says:
lol
I wish I knew who I am says:
im 5'6''
steve says:
k - i dont understand this weight thing very well
steve says:
do u go more by how u look or the actual weight
steve says:
do u know what i mean?
I wish I knew who I am says:
I go by the actual weight....
other ppl go by how they look....
wanna see a pic of me when i weighed 80 pounds?
steve says:
k
(sends pic)

I wish I knew who I am says:
its a really bad pic but u can still tell how skinny i was
steve says:
lol
steve says:
no kidding it is a bad picture
steve says:
looks more like a finger paiting
I wish I knew who I am says:
u can barely make out wat it is... LOL
I wish I knew who I am says:
my sis took the pic and she kinda sux at taking pics
I wish I knew who I am says:
my scanner is crap too which didnt really help
steve says:
lol
steve says:
k
steve says:
well from what i can see u look fine
steve says:
how did u like how u looked then
I wish I knew who I am says:
i STILL thought i was fat
steve says:
k
steve says:
i won't try to say "you shouldn't" think that
steve says:
cuz u do
steve says:
u do think it i mean
steve says:
not that u do look fat to me- know what i mean
steve says:
?
I wish I knew who I am says:
yeah...
steve says:
k
steve says:
but can i tell u my theory about weight and looks
steve says:
?
I wish I knew who I am says:
sure
steve says:
k
steve says:
it is pretty simple
steve says:
it is just that since u have been treated so badly u don't have much inner self-worth.. so u focus on your looks
steve says:
what do u think of my theory
steve says:
lol?
I wish I knew who I am says:
i think that it makes a lot of sense
steve says:
k
steve says:
briar - i dont want u to kill yourself..
steve says:
*tears*
I wish I knew who I am says:
ive got no reason not to kill myself
steve says:
can u think of anything which sounds good to you right now besides dying
I wish I knew who I am says:
*shrugs*
steve says:
cant think of anything?
I wish I knew who I am says:
no...
steve says:
k
steve says:
do u think u can lose the weight that u have gained?
steve says:
or lets say how confident do u feel that u could lose it if u really want to from 0-10 ten being most confident
I wish I knew who I am says:
7
steve says:
k
steve says:
what would stop u from losing it?
I wish I knew who I am says:
being in the psych ward cuz they force me 2 eat...
and if i dont eat they give me some sort of calorie supplement thingy thru IV
steve says:
ah
steve says:
so are u planning to kill yourself rather than going back to the hospital?
I wish I knew who I am says:
yes
steve says:
i was afraid of that
steve says:
do u have anyplace u could go for a while to get away
steve says:
maybe sone trips would help
I wish I knew who I am says:
no, i dont
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
have u ever checked out a shelter for teens?
I wish I knew who I am says:
no
steve says:
how do u feel about that idea
steve says:
they would have counselors there probably
I wish I knew who I am says:
i'd go to one, but i dont know where the closest one is
steve says:
k
steve says:
will u call information and ask if there is a crisis or suicide resource line phone number for me?
steve says:
or for you lets say!
steve says:
cuz it is your life, right?
I wish I knew who I am says:
ok...
steve says:
will u call right now and them come back to the chat and let me know?
I wish I knew who I am says:
not right now... i'll wait til later when my grandparents go out
steve says:
k
steve says:
do u know if there is anything like a shelter for teens in your city?
I wish I knew who I am says:
actually my town doesnt have a place 4 teens...
all we've got is the womens interval home and my mom works there
steve says:
oh great!
steve says:
any way u could take a bus to another city?
steve says:
how about a bus?
I wish I knew who I am says:
i guess i could do that...
i could steal the money for a ticket from my gramma
steve says:
lol
steve says:
are u living with them now?
I wish I knew who I am says:
*nods*
steve says:
k
steve says:
did u say you are in a different town than your mom now?
I wish I knew who I am says:
my mom livs in a tiny lil town half an hour away from here but shes always here anywayz
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
hey how did u feel at the trial and after?
I wish I knew who I am says:
i was really nervous during the trial and after i was kinda glad that it was over. i just testified and left though so i dont really know wats gonna happen to my stepdad
steve says:
k
steve says:
how do u feel now about it
I wish I knew who I am says:
im just glad its over....
i gtg
ttyl
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
okay
I wish I knew who I am says:
bye
steve says:
bye

April 13 - second chat

steve says:
hey briar
Freezin my @$$ off says:
hi
steve says:
how are u feeling
Freezin my @$$ off says:
horrible
steve says:
whats up
steve says:
whats new since last time we talked?
steve says:
are u worse than then?
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yeah, im worse than then...
my gramma forced me to eat a HUGE meal and so i forced myself to puke after...
now i feel like crap
steve says:
lol
steve says:
sorry
steve says:
but that sounds funny
steve says:
i am not laughing at u, k?
Freezin my @$$ off says:
k
steve says:
i don't get why pple try to force others to do things
steve says:
i was thinking more about that after we talked
steve says:
why don't they respect your feelings??
steve says:
kwim?
steve says:
(know what I mean)
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yeah...
ive been thinking, too...
i think im anorexic and im trying to decide if i should admit it 2 my doctor
steve says:
k
steve says:
do u trust him/her?
steve says:
or how much
steve says:
0-10?
Freezin my @$$ off says:
9.5
steve says:
k
steve says:
that is pretty good
steve says:
he or she?
Freezin my @$$ off says:
she
steve says:
k
steve says:
what do u think she will say/do?
Freezin my @$$ off says:
prolly reccomend that i be admitted to an E.D. clinic for a couple months
steve says:
and what do u think of that idea
Freezin my @$$ off says:
its prolly wats best for me, but i'll miss my friends and my family
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
who would u miss the most
Freezin my @$$ off says:
my gramma
steve says:
the one who u just talked about or a diff one
Freezin my @$$ off says:
the 1 i just talked about
steve says:
k
steve says:
who else
Freezin my @$$ off says:
my friends from youth group (all of em)
steve says:
which youth group do u mean
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i go to a youth group at my church
steve says:
k
steve says:
do they know about what has been happening to u
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yeah, they found out last night
steve says:
oh
steve says:
how did that happen
Freezin my @$$ off says:
when i go to the church last night i was talking to my youth pastor and told him everything that had been going on and he asked if it was okay if he told the rest of the group (to show how God works in odd ways)
and of course I agreed so right after our little band played a few worship songs he got up and said that he had a special story to share (because it had to do with wat we were talking about last night)
so he asked me to go up to the front with him and he helped me to tell my story and then everyone got up and prayed together for me. Afterwards, all 165 people made sure that they had a chance to hug me before they left
steve says:
wow
steve says:
how did u feel after that
Freezin my @$$ off says:
kinda weird cuz i know that everybody in our youth group will never again think that i have a perfect life, but at the same time I felt really loved. I could tell that a lot of people there really care about me
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
probably it will bring u closer to a few pple
steve says:
others may not know how to handle it so well
steve says:
it might also give someone the courage to speak out sometime themselves
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i hope it does...
thats one of the reasons that i agreed to share my story
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
good for u
steve says:
i am confused about somethings...
steve says:
is your mom religious?
Freezin my @$$ off says:
my mother is Wiccan. She is really into the Craft, so I guess that yes, she is religious in a way
steve says:
k
steve says:
and did u say she works at a women's center?
Freezin my @$$ off says:
She volunteers there
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
what about ur step dad
steve says:
is he religious
Freezin my @$$ off says:
he's atheist
steve says:
k
steve says:
hey did u get my email with all the links on it
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yeah
steve says:
did they look like they might be of help
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yes
steve says:
sorry for the delay some one else just came online and i wanted to say hi
steve says:
she is not feeling too good either
Freezin my @$$ off says:
its ok
i understand
steve says:
k
steve says:
thanks
steve says:
are u talking to anyone else too
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yep
steve says:
k
steve says:
what are u talking about
Freezin my @$$ off says:
suicide...
steve says:
k
steve says:
can i see the convo

Freezin my @$$ off says:
MIKEY(21:04 PM) :
hey
IM A FREAK(21:04 PM) :
hi
MIKEY(21:05 PM) :
how are ya
IM A FREAK(21:05 PM) :
ok
i guess
MIKEY(21:05 PM) :
you guess?????
IM A FREAK(21:06 PM) :
long story
MIKEY(21:06 PM) :
do you wanna talk about it??
IM A FREAK(21:06 PM) :
not really
MIKEY(21:07 PM) :
ok so watz new
IM A FREAK(21:07 PM) :
i'd tell ya but then i'd hafta kill ya
MIKEY(21:07 PM) :
aww ok

Freezin my @$$ off says:
IM A FREAK(21:07 PM) :
lol
IM A FREAK(21:08 PM) :
so wats new with u?
MIKEY(21:08 PM) :
not much

I am just telling ya if you wanna talk about it I will listen
IM A FREAK(21:09 PM) :
im just really depressed and kinda suicidal
MIKEY(21:09 PM) :
ahhh

will you talk about it????
IM A FREAK(21:10 PM) :
im anorexic
and my stepdad used to beat me
my sis has been missing for over a year
a very close friend of mine hung himself in August
Ive got no friends
I hate life
MIKEY(21:11 PM) :
ok listen

was your friend Tyler xxxl
IM A FREAK(21:12 PM) :
yes...
IM A FREAK(21:12 PM) :
how did u know?
BTW
MIKEY(21:15 PM) :
we were friends too I came from an abusive family too
I was adopted
and my sister is suicidal
I was anorexic 2 years ago
so I know

steve says:
k
steve says:
thanks..
steve says:
how do u know this person
Freezin my @$$ off says:
I met him online and he lives in a tiny town like 20 mins away from here. he and i go to schools that are right next to each other
steve says:
k
steve says:
it is good u are talking about this stuff
steve says:
but i would encourage u to say that that guy raped u and sexually abused u
steve says:
i find the more people I told about my story the easier it got
steve says:
and the more i found out who my real friends were
Freezin my @$$ off says:
he already knows
steve says:
oh okay
steve says:
how suicidal are u feeling now
steve says:
from0-10
Freezin my @$$ off says:
9.9999999999999999
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
that doesn't leave much room does it?
steve says:
are u actually planning on when u want to take the t3?
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yes
steve says:
when
Freezin my @$$ off says:
tonite
steve says:
damn
steve says:
i scared to hear that....i feel kind of powerless
Freezin my @$$ off says:
its ok... really
Freezin my @$$ off says:
dont be scared. its my time to go
steve says:
but i am
steve says:
i dont want the world to lose u
steve says:
do u know anyone who used t3 to kill themselves
Freezin my @$$ off says:
no
steve says:
i read on the internet that it is really painful
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i dont care
steve says:
i hate to think of u up there like that
steve says:
could u please just wait another day to see how u feel tomorrow
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i'll try
steve says:
what about calling a suicide line...?
steve says:
would u be willing to do that?
Freezin my @$$ off says:
no...
steve says:
how come
Freezin my @$$ off says:
cuz i hate calling those stupid hotline thingys
steve says:
how about calling a friend?
steve says:
and asking them to come over
steve says:
or if u can go over there?
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i guess i can do that
steve says:
please, briar
steve says:
*tears*
Freezin my @$$ off says:
I will...
steve says:
do u kind of think u aren[t worth worrying about or that u dont want to bother pple with your troubles
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yeah
steve says:
yeah that is what i have heard from people who have been abused. they have such low self-worths
steve says:
but self worths can be mended and improved. i promise u that
steve says:
did u say ur bf just left u for a friend of yours?
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yep
steve says:
that's really hard. i know when I was depressed it helped to have gf there
steve says:
especially if she was a good listener
steve says:
what happened with your bf anyhow?
Freezin my @$$ off says:
he just came up to me and told me he loved Sierra and that he had to break up with me so he could go out with her
steve says:
nice
steve says:
then what
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i just started crying and he walked over to Sierra and kissed her then they walked away
steve says:
wow
steve says:
that is cold
steve says:
when was that
Freezin my @$$ off says:
last week
steve says:
did u want to kill urself right then
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yes
steve says:
yeah i can imagine
steve says:
i wanted to kill myself over feeling rejected a few times
steve says:
it is a very strong feeling for me
steve says:
do u think anyone could ever love u
Freezin my @$$ off says:
no
steve says:
yeah i used to feel that way too
steve says:
undeserving of love
steve says:
unlovable
steve says:
unworthy of love
steve says:
is that how u feel
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yes
steve says:
yeah
steve says:
but know what? I don't feel that way anymore
steve says:
most of the time anyhow!
steve says:
lol
Freezin my @$$ off says:
lol
steve says:
k so who are u going to call
Freezin my @$$ off says:
*shrugs*
steve says:
can i call someone for u
steve says:
lol
Freezin my @$$ off says:
lol
steve says:
well please try to hang on.
steve says:
in case u can't though can i ask u more questions about your life?
steve says:
cuz i would want to write about your life if u die
Freezin my @$$ off says:
k
steve says:
k
steve says:
first can i have your permission to use your real name
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yep
steve says:
k
steve says:
it is briar xxx xxx right
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yep
steve says:
i like that name
steve says:
and u life in xxx
steve says:
now what is your step dad's name
Freezin my @$$ off says:
George Xxx
Steve says:
k
steve says:
and do i have ur permission to post all of our chats?
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yes
steve says:
k
steve says:
k so one thing i am wondering is why your mom didn't stop him from hitting u and stuff that she knew about
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i dont know why she didnt
steve says:
have u asked her
Freezin my @$$ off says:
no
steve says:
would u ask her for me
steve says:
and email me with what she says
Freezin my @$$ off says:
NO...
steve says:
lol
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i wont ask her
steve says:
why not
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i dont wanna talk to her
steve says:
how come
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i just dont, ok?
steve says:
well i cant make u tell me
steve says:
but it would help others if u could try to explain more
Freezin my @$$ off says:
my mother likes to make herself believe that the abuse never happened
steve says:
ah
steve says:
what kinds of things does she say to try to deny it
Freezin my @$$ off says:
she just says it never happened. that i'm a lying little bitch
steve says:
how do u feel when she says that
Freezin my @$$ off says:
horrible
steve says:
how else
Freezin my @$$ off says:
it makes me feel worthless, like maybe i deserved what my stepdad did
steve says:
do u start to wonder yourself if u did deserve it
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yes
steve says:
yeah that is what i was afraid of
steve says:
man that is like double punishment and torture
steve says:
i am so sorry briar
Freezin my @$$ off says:
dont be sorry
steve says:
would u stop saying that
steve says:
lol
Freezin my @$$ off says:
sorry
steve says:
dont be
steve says:
lol
steve says:
see what i mean
steve says:
lol
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yeah lol
steve says:
how would u feel if i tried to talk to your mom if u do kill yourself
steve says:
cuz i might just come up there and interview pple
steve says:
i really really really hate how kids like u are abused and not protected
Freezin my @$$ off says:
we ARE protected after we speak up about the abuse
Freezin my @$$ off says:
nobody knows that my stepdad raped me...
he was just being charged for the physical abuse
steve says:
????
steve says:
what???
Freezin my @$$ off says:
nobody knows that he raped me
Freezin my @$$ off says:
they only know that he beat me
steve says:
i thought u told someone in social services or somewhere after they asked if he had done anything else
Freezin my @$$ off says:
no
steve says:
oh
steve says:
i was confused then
steve says:
how come u didn't tell social services
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i just didnt want to
the rape was my fault
steve says:
??
steve says:
how do u figure
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i used to come on to my stepdad
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i was one slutty little girl
steve says:
what do u mean u used to come on to him
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i would sit on his lap and kiss him and place his hands just inside my pants
Freezin my @$$ off says:
i used to give him massages all the time
steve says:
how come u did that stuff
steve says:
and do u feel bad about it now
Freezin my @$$ off says:
*shrugs*
yes
steve says:
do u feel embarrassed to tell me
Freezin my @$$ off says:
yes
steve says:
how much
steve says:
0-10
Freezin my @$$ off says:
10
steve says:
hmm
steve says:
well i am glad u can tell me
steve says:
have u told anyone else
steve says:
about the rape and about how u did that stuff to him
Freezin my @$$ off says:
no
steve says:
k
steve says:
that is a lot to keep inside briar
steve says:
i encourage u to tell someone there
steve says:
who do u think u might possibly be able to tell the truth to
Freezin my @$$ off says:
*shrugs*
steve says:
damn briar
steve says:
there is a lot to talk about
steve says:
do u feel better after talking
Freezin my @$$ off says:
a bit
steve says:
k

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