It is now Sept 15, 2014. I am in Buenos Aires. I was in Europe for about a month to see Priscilla. I saw her a few times briefly. I gave her back some of her things. I cried for a very long time as I handed them to her. It is painful to recall.
Yesterday morning I decided there was not much more I could do in Europe and I was feeling homeless and alone. So I booked a flight back to South America for 7:30 last night. I want to try to start a new life without her. being my girlfriend, my best friend and my biggest supporter.
I arrived here this morning. Before I left I sent Priscilla a text message saying I was flying to Buenos Aires. Mostly I did so because I didn't want her to wonder what happened to me in case the plane crashed and she never heard from me again. At least she would know I was on the plane. She sent me a hug and I sent her one back, crying.
This is the email I got from her today...
im sorry we didnt see each other again before u left. i feel bad about that
She is in another relationship. I believe it is unhealthy for her. We are both in a lot of pain. It is too painful to write more about it now. - SH
Last night I was thinking about Prsicilla and started to cry.
This morning I was thinking about how it is hard to care about someone else when you are in pain. Maybe the reason she doesn't care much about me now is because she is in pain. Maybe if she weren't in so much pain she would care about me again. Maybe one day she will. Maybe. Maybe. Till then... till then, if that day ever comes, I know that I need to keep trying to get what I need. To feel cared about by someone, valued, believed in, supported. And I need someone who won't abandon me. Someone who won't stop caring about me. Someone who won't suddenly stop talking to me and who won't replace me with someone else. Someone who I can speak my language to. Someone I am important to. Someone I am the most important to. Who shares with me a common vision, common beliefs. Who lives their life according to principles as well as theirr short term needs. Someone who wants to make the world a better place. Someone who shows me the empathy I need.
For over four years I had thought I had found that person, or she had found me. Now I need to start looking again. It is very painful. And coming back to Uruguay and La Paz reminds me how little the people here care about me and value me. When the burn the branches that they know I use for cooking, I am reminded how little they care and how much it hurts to feel uncared about. And how much I needed it.
When the backpackers come and do things without asking me, when they do things which cause me pain and I know it would be more pain to try to be emotionally honest with them, I am reminded of how much it hurts to feel uncared about. And how much I need to feel cared about. Understood. All of the emotional needs. I am reminded what it takes to make a caring, emotionally sustainable community. And I am reminded how one person destoyed the "community" that Priscilla and I had a vision of. A community that Priscilla convinced me we needed. A community I was trying to start, more for Priscilla than for me. Now I am not a part of Priscilla's community. She has a community of two people. An unsustainable one, I believe. She used to agree with me. I don;t know if she still agrees. We aren't talking to each other. She doesn't have time. She is too busy with her new lover and abuserr. I don't know if she would agree she is in an abusive relationship. Each time she writes me, or almost each time, it is painful. I feel most suicidal when I think of her and the female she is now with. In Romania. Or that is where I heard they were going last. I just now thought of something. Her new lover had a friend in Romania. A female. So mayybe they are trying to start a lesbian communithy. IDK. It is too painful to think about more. I still can't believe all of this. I had started to really trust Priscilla. It is like I never knew her. Maybe she was afraid to tell me even more things than I thought. Maybe that is why I never knew her. But was she acting? And what did it mean when she changed my phone to say "P loves Steve"? That is one question that keeps causing me pain. What did it mean? What did it mean?
I haven't erased it yet. I haven't taken all of her things out of what used to be our room. I have to keep telling people here that I went to Europe to see Priscilla and to try to work things out, but she didn't want to come back. Only Graciela cares a little. Her husband is dying of cancer. So, so, so she is the only one I really talk to. Yesterday I told someone and he said something "Just find another girl. It is all part of the game." I told him it was not that easy and I am tired of playing the game. But he didn't even hear me. I said it twice and he still didn't understand me at all.
I try to help the backpackers, couchsurfers, work exchange people. I try. I do what I can until it is too painful. Then I wish I had Priscilla to talk to. Like we used to. She understood. I felt so understood by her. Like never before in my life. I am starting to cry now.
Soon the backpackers will wake up and I will have to decide if I am going to be honest with them - if I am going to tell them any of the many things which pain me. The alcohol. The smoking. Losing my pliers. Wasting my firewood. Not valuing my experience about putting bamboo poles in the ground. Using our little white tray from the refigerator for a cutting board and leaving it full of scratches. Reminds me of Priscilla's arms. Using the inside of the soya milk box for a cutting board and also leaving it full of scratches and cuts. Not using the metal lid from the peach cans which I tried to get them to use.
Cutting into plastic isn't sustainable. Cutting into the soya box isn't sustainable. But how much do they care? They are leaving. They don't know what the soya boxes mean to me or the story of the refrigerator and how nice it was to have it afterr camping in the summer for about one month without it. They aren't interested.
No one cares enough about me. No one values me enough. No one "deserves" me. They are all so clueless. So abused by the system.
German - pronounced Hairman - from H2OH said this when I asked him how we can change the system. He said "We have to stop believing in it."
Good answer. I agree. Yet the people who were here last night, who are still sleeping now, still believe in the system, Or, they have "dropped out" like Matias who is sensitive and interrupts me because he has ao much of a need to talk. I miss how Priscilla used to give me her thoughts and feelings about Priscilla. I miss her so much. It is so so so so so painful