ta = thinking about
so much pain

Jan 9 - ta Delaware, Priscilla, Airbnb - being in a home - not talking to people. walking past them - no eye contact. Gabor Mate... listened to his talk with some rich guy last night. He gets a lot of what is wrong. But he never mentions teen suicide. At least not that I remember in any of his talks. Feeling powerless about Delaware - Mate talks about parents not being "available" - ie not open to hearing about child's pain. Same is true with Delaware. they don't want to hear my pain. Hosts didn't invite me to eat with them Couchsurfing hosts almost always do. I need the same thing I have needed for about 20 years - support, help. But now I also need more empathy and understanding When I used to talk to Sarah everyday, and Nicole everyday. and Steff everyday and others would read my writing everyday and leave me feedback I got enough empathy and understanding. So we could say I am more needy now. Yeah probably.. I had more of my physical/sexual needs met. I was attractive to more females back then. Now I almost never am. And it gets worse with time - not better - so the whole "it gets better" campaign doesn't work in my case.

Jan 8 Delaware - how to contact people - friends, fb p write to teachers, professors

Jan 7 11:40 PM - feeling alone. In a hostel room alone. Lots of people talking, enjoying themselves, listening to music,drinking etc in the common areas. I wonder if anyone else feels alone here - laying in their bed alone like I am. It would be nice to have a system to see who is here and how everyone is feeling, if anyone wants to talk about serious things for example. If anyone feels alone or sad. One woman was sitting alone, looked pretty sad. I smiled a little at her but she didn't seem to want to talk Still, I feel a little guilty I didnt say hello, where are you from, etc. Last night stayed with a crazy psychologist. Or that is what she calls herself. I told her I had cut my wrist once and thought of killing myself many times. She said "Why didn't you do it?" What a stupid question!!! She had no empathy -even Edgard realized it quickly when I told him. She was a primary school teacher. I feel sorry for the kids. Last night I found Kali's page again... I thought that really needs to be published in a book or something so it doesn't get lost forever.

Jan 7 - Thanks to Ivan at FedEx - he was really a great listener too. Two days ago I wrote about Dominic and Joey, as you can see below. I didn't tell Ivan about the problem with the people in Delaware, but I feel sure he would understand how I feel and he would agree that the law which allowed them to take my stock and sell it is totally wrong. I look forward to talking to Ivan again and working with him to give suggestions to FedEx. He said he likes working there so I feel optimistic that we will be able to keep in touch over the next few years and help each other as well as help FedEx and other companies in improving their customer service. I have a dream of creating a new consulting service for businesses using what I would call highly sensitive, highly intelligent people. I believe we are the kind of people who are first to feel when something is wrong and needs to be corrected and improved.

When I started talking to Ivan I quickly felt understood. My first complaint to him was that there was no option on their automated phone system to go directly to a live person. His first reply was something like "Yeah, a lot of customers want that." From there we continued to have a good talk. At another point I asked him if what another employee told me was true, because I suspected it wasn't. Ivan told me that I was right. He said what the previous employee had said was actually not the truth. Then he explained why he thought the employee had said what he did. This impressed me. I have talked to a lot of people who work in call centers and it isn't often when I reach someone who is so honest and understanding. We ended up talking a long time. When we got done I asked him how worried he was that he would get in trouble for talking so long. I said, "From zero to ten how worried are you?" He said "Three or four." I told him I was also a little worried, maybe 1. Then I said I am worried almost zero that you would get fired but about 1 that you might get yelled. He agreed it was pretty unlikely he would get fired and we shared a laugh. As anyone who has been reading my site knows, it is hard for me to find and keep friends. I feel optimistic Ivan is someone who could be my friend for a long time. And more than that, I can see him as a colleague. Pretty much every idea and suggestion I told him about, he agreed with. As they say, great minds think a like. The problem is there are two few people who think on the level of Ivan, Tim, Priscilla and I and a few others. But little by little I am finding some of them one at a time.

Jan 5 - Thanks to Dominic and Joey - great listeners - and they work in a bank! They confirmed what I have been saying. People are ok and there are even a lot of good people but the system is messed up. I was telling them how the State of Delaware legally stole about 30,000 dollars worth of Hewlitt Packard stock from me and I still have not gotten it back. They both agreed that what the state did was wrong. They both could hardly believe it happened. But it did. And their bank has its headquarters in Delaware.

One of them said "I have driven thru Delaware and I thought it was a nice place with nice people..."

I told one of them about the frog and the hot water. You can google it but basically the idea is that if you put a frog in very hot water it will quickly jump out. But if you put it in normal water and then very slowly turn up the heat, it won't know when it is time to get out and you can kill it. I said this is what happens with laws. First a "good" law, is written. And then one that is a little unjust or unfair is written - one that serves the interests of the people who wrote the laws more than the people who have to follow or obey the law. Slowly the people become complacent, apathetic and feel powerless to change things.So then you can write yourself a law that says we can take your money and do it in a "legal" way...

And to me, that is what has happened in many countries... including the USA where D and J are trying to make an honest living helping people who are customers at the bank that employs them.

I invited Joey to write to me. Here is my contact info. I asked him to check first with his boss to see if it was ok to talk to me at home, cuz i don't want him to get fired! He understood. D and J were both very understanding and showed me a lot of empathy. It was just what I needed this morning. And it was only about 3 in the morning their time! About 6 AM here in Uruguay.

Jan 3 2017

I love depressed teenagers. S. Hein

As usual, I am the first one to say this...

It is too hard to write more about this now. They need love. One day it will probably be illegal to say "I love you" to a depressed, suicidal teen.

Society is *really* fucked up.

S. Hein
Montevideo, Uruguay
Jan 3, 2017

btw it is "Jan 3" according to *one* of the calendar systems used by humans, but not according to *all* calendar systems. When in Thailand I learned about the Thai calendar system. I actually don't like the system I was taught to use.

I laugh a little now because I meant the calendar system but actually I see now I can say I pretty much hate almost the complete "social" system I was taught. It teaches people to kill others and it causes people I care about, and people who the world needs, to kill themselves.

btw - Note to Joey and Dominic - I came close to killing myself in 2011 in Australia. I still have a small scar on my left wrist.

I have thought about killing myself many, many times. I was thinking about it a little yesterday. I was feeling discouraged yesterday. Unwelcome. Confused. Unsupported. Alone.


Note about the Thai system -- Priscilla and I were pretty much traumatized while we were in Thailand during their Songkran "festival". If you want to know more, please write me. Steve

I will say this much.. If you asked Priscilla how much she enjoyed it I feel sure she would say zero.

Dec 22 i am in a lot of pain
this morning it is especially bad

the rejection hurts so much. ---

Jan 2 Update the person I felt so rejected by is talking to me a bit now. She has already tried to kill herself a few times. We met in Brazil and we hugged each other a lot. Then one day I felt hurt by something she did and I left without saying goodbye. She felt hurt by that and then she stopped talking to me. She gave me the "silent treatment" we could say. That really hurt. At one point I said "Can we hug and forgive each other?" She said "I don't want a hug." And then I said "Well I need one." (This was all in Portuguese by the way, making it harder for me to express myself cuz I never formally studied Portuguese ) Then she said, "I don't want to give you a hug right now. If I gave you one it would be false." So I said "Ok." I waited till the next day to see if she would talk to me or give me a hug, but she still wouldn't talk to me. I felt ignored and even a little hated and punished. It was too painful so I left the city. I was going to leave soon anyhow but I left that day and have not gone back. For days she didn't reply to my messages. Then she did. She has sent me a few hugs since then. A few days ago I asked her how much she has forgiven me from 0-10 and she said 5. I felt encouraged by that. I said "What can I do so you will forgive me more?" She said "nada" - that means nothing. She said "It will just take time."

I believe talking about things helps heal emotional pain much quicker but she doesn't believe that or trust the process I guess.

She hasn't met someone like me who values her feelings. I have told her many times I love her and she is confused by that. She told me once she doesn't know what love is. She thought I was jealous, possessive and controlling - which is all true to a degree, but only to a little degree. I know that what I mostly need from her is her acceptance on a hugging, talking, sharing level. I can accept her having romantic, sexual relations with other people. She is not romantically or sexually attracted to me. But we were very close emotionally. She shared things with me -- like the fact she cuts and has tried to kill herself -- that she did not share with some of her "best" "friends". This happens a lot with people who talk to me online. My online friends and I send a lot of hugs. But usually I never meet them. In this case, I met her in person before we stared talking online. If you want to know more, you can write me.