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Acceptance, Security, Support, Change

Right now I am worried that I lost my two best friends because of something I said yesterday.

I was talking about the Princess. haha - That is what I will call her. She has to remain a secret because she is afraid of someone. She lives in fear. She thought she was pretty happy until she met me. Or she was really good at pretending she was happy. Or she was pretty happy because she is a master and denying her feelings and not listening to them or thinking about her feelings or her needs.

Anyhow, I told her and our mutual friend that she looked good in her blue jeans. haha

I won't bother to go get the actual words I used. But I have not heard from either one of them since I sent them the mail that had that line in it.

I fear they are talking to each other and not to me.

I fear they are both feeling scared of my comment and my feelings, and therefore, of me.

I fear they will both stop talking to me and stop helping me.

I have already started to accept this possibility. I am saying "fuck them" if they don't accept me.

I need people who accept me. I need them to accept me so they can support me and help me change things in the world. If they don't accept me, don't want to help me, I will just keep looking for people who do accept me and do want to help me change things.

But the general principle here is that if you don't feel accepted you won't feel and be supported when you are trying to change things.

Oh yeah. I left out the security part.

I was feeling insecure about losing them. But suddenly I don't. Because I know what I need. I also know how much I can do and have already done by myself.

And it helps to know that for now I have upwork as a place to look for people who might want to support me. And who might accept me. Maybe Rose, for example, or "Blake" or Gakobo.


I miss the Princess. I miss her smile. Her teasing. She was a very special person for a few days in my life...

Now I have work to do.

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